beth0329

So, after having a conversation on Thursday night with Candy about this subject and then just having Rosanna admit that she and Jeff are officially dating I knew it was time to write this post.

Unfortunately, I haven't read many books, christian or not, on this subject so I hope I can make some sense in this post. I have thought about it a lot but I have this feeling I may not make complete sense.

What is the difference between dating and courtship, let me try to define the 2 terms in how I see them.

DATING: Dating is what the world does. You find someone attractive (sometimes that means physical, mental or has lots of resources, ie. money, car, house, etc.) so you begin the flirting stage, sometimes that's months, could be weeks and sometimes even minutes, and this stage consists of talking, lots of body language, kind of sizing one another up. From there something is either said or done to promote the flirting to dating. The promotion could be a kiss, an event or 1 party just asking or stating that "this" has become a dating relationship. Candy and I talked about this on Fri. pertaining to a friend of mine who stated that he didn't know if he could find a woman who could understand and want to live like he does and I told Candy that I knew that although I completely understand the way he wants to live and could and wants to live that way that I was probably not on his radar and I don't understand how I'm supposed to be, without having to pursue him myself. In this dating arena, girls know how to put themselves on the radar without saying, "LOOK AT ME, PICK ME. I WANT YOU." And we also talked about how when you date it's much easier to indulge in sexual behavior (especially compared to courting). When you date, like most people date, a guy and a girl, alone normally, it's very easy to hold hands, cuddle, make out, etc. Now I'm not saying those things are necessarily wrong, although that could be arguable but I think we can all agree that when you are alone with someone that you find incredibly attractive and they're obviously with you, so they must find something good about you and the lights are dim, something is most likely and more common to happen. And most people want to date. We want to flirt and go through that whole process but it also seems to find you in a lot of frustration and sometimes pain.

COURTSHIP: Courting is a lost art. But something that I plan on doing. I already messed up with my first relationship that I was in so when God plans on sending another one my way I am hoping to do it His way and not mine.
Courting means friendship, in my opinion. Candy and I have had lots of conversations about this, without the usage of the word 'courting.' We both desire to just be friends with a guy and then it to slowly move into something more serious and that's exactly what I would say courting is. It's a much slower process than dating, although it does consist of dates....that look much different than your typical "flirting-dating" scene. It's more friendly; you both get to know one another, around others, in lots of different circumstances and events. There's nothing to prove and no pressure or stress to deliver.

As a Christian it's so easy to let your feelings lead the way, but feelings change every minute, sometimes every second and I am continually reminded to give over my feelings to God and let Him deal with them because if I live off how I feel I'd be in a mess!

So, the other day I was talking to a male friend of mine and I asked what he was doing and he proceeded to tell me that he was watching a movie not because of it's value as a film but because a "hot girl is in it." And then went on to tell me what else he'd seen her in and how good she looked. I didn't think I was being anymore quiet than usual but he commented that that was probably more than I wanted to know and when I said that it was he asked if that made me angry (him talking about hot girls) and I said no, which I really wasn't angry and I didn't really know what I felt so I finally just said, "I just think you're setting your standards a little high." He then went on to explain that she's a hot actress and he realizes it's just TV and then admitted that she'd probably be too high maintenance anyways.
Okay, so I've spent the last couple of days mulling this over and trying to figure out why it bothers me that the male human-species behaves this way. I realize that our society flaunts beauty as thin, beautiful women who have all the time in the world to do their hair up, put on make up and seem to never have a bad day and when she does, she still looks stunningly beautiful. But I'm not talking about the average Joe here, I'm talking about Christian men who have decided to give over their lives to Jesus and daily follow him. As Christians we've repented. Let me tell you what repentance means, Repent; To turn away from sin. Now, I highly doubt when Jesus said to repent that he meant to turn away for a moment and then turn back around. No, he meant to turn away from your sin and live a completely different life. So to me that means that Christian men should have a completely different view on women than our world does...and I think that means that for some men they just shouldn't watch TV shows that they know are going to make them go back to their old selves.
I think that a lot of women in the church still have a bad self-esteem because they realize that God created them as beautiful women but the men who are supposedly "like-Jesus" aren't validating them as women of God and sometimes even believe that we're at the root of their turning back to society norms. As women, we realize that men pay attention to us when we dress up and wear certain clothes but yet as Godly women we too want to turn away and live differently than the rest of the world.
I don't know if any of that made sense. I just want Christian men and women to disregard what our society says about looks, sex appeal and image and just love one another for who each of us are, created by our Heavenly Father. I don't really see the hard part of this. I realize we're all tempted. Men don't seem to get it that women in the church are tempted just as much by the men as they are by us. So, why can't we all be accountable to one another, validate each other and start enacting God's Kingdom; where women aren't "hot" and men care for women as daughters of a high God and not as something to use as masturbation material.

But, wow...that kinda took a turn, didn't it?
Guess I thought I just needed to get that all out.

Blessings.

Well, it doesn't seem like I've written in awhile and I have soo much to say but I really don't want to be writing for forever so I'll try to keep it to the most important things.

1. As far as I know Helen is still hanging on. I was able to see her Sunday night and she had had a really good day. She doesn't really talk anymore. I don't really know why but she can't hold any kind of conversation and I guess on a good day she'll say words but that's about it. She also can't walk any longer and won't eat. But despite all that she looked good when I saw her and she acted as if she remembered me. I sat by her bed and she held my hand tight. A couple of times I teared up just looking at her, remembering holding my own grandma's hand before she died. But please continue praying for the family. I'm going to try calling Joyce tomorrow to check on her.

2. That same night my mom freaked out. I didn't call when I got into town and she had called twice or three times and had texted before I turned back on my phone after visiting with Helen and my mom is bawling and almost yelling at me. But to make a long story short...she ended up emailing me the next day apologizing and reminding me that she really is trying to let me go. So, yea. Craziness.

3. One of the deacons of my church in Modesto is a roper and he's got the opportunity to go to Oklahoma City, OK for a competition in August. I kinda joked about hitching a ride but I'm really thinking about doing it now. I sent him an email for dates and if he'd be okay with it but I still haven't heard anything so pray about that!

4. Mark and I have been having great conversations lately. They've just been really good.

5. My best friend is still in Japan. I want her to be back in the states. But not till the end of the month...

6. Random...I really love holding babies. I got to visit my pastor's wife tonight and she has a brand new baby. I could seriously just sit there and hold that baby for hours. I've thought about calling up our children's hospital and asking if I could just come and volunteer to sit and rock babies for a few hours.

7. I'm talking to my stepbrother, Zachary! It's been great. He's 20 and in the army, a ranger. He visited home last weekend and my dad ended up talking about me to him and Zach told dad to tell me to find him on myspace. So, Monday I did just that and we've been writing notes back and forth with each other. Good stuff.

Okay, I think I'm finished fow now.

Blessings

My heart hurts. I don't really want to get into it all on here (Candy- once I get a few minutes I'll send you a private email) but Mark and I are having our first...I don't even know what to call it or exactly what it is. I just hope it's over soon. I think with anybody, whether it's a friend or a potential boyfriend, or a boyfriend that I really pour my whole heart into relationships and because of that I can get my heart hurt really easily. I thank God that Candy and I never fought or argued because I wouldn't be able to stand that, or really with any of my friends. I hate letting down anybody with any authority over me, like my clients or a supervise.

But I have to admit that this seems to hurt even more. I think I realized today how much I really do care about this person and really want to see what happens...not saying that now it's completely over and there's no chance for a future...I guess at this point that's up to him. I don't know.

I'm sad. I really want my best friend to be here.

 It's been a good day. Well...besides waking up at like 7 in the morning super hot! And, of course I couldn't fall back asleep. For some reason I just haven't been sleeping very well lately. At first I thought it was because of my client and me having to call 911, and then I was thinking it was because I had all this stuff on my mind about Mark and my mom but that seems to be wrapping up quite nicely, meaning that at least my mom has told me that I have her okay to leave if God so wills and that she's not completely and utterly against Mark and I. So, I guess I'm either still thinking about it and sub-consciously worried about it or because of my work schedule lately and having to be up early I've just gotten myself into that custom of getting up early and my body doesn't know the difference between the weekends and work days. 

But, anyways the day was good despite that. In the morning I did some cleaning in my room. I'm still trying to simplify my stuff but it's still hard when my mom gives me a hard time about giving anything away and especially when I say stuff like wanting a truck to come in and pick up all my stuff and take it away. But I was still able to get a little bit done. 

Tangent moment: Lately I've really been wanting a new dress..nothing fancy just a fun summer dress. And yesterday when Rosie and I went to the mall I found a really cute one, that was 50% off...but that still left it at almost $30 so I talked myself out of buying it. But I was going through my closet trying to get rid of clothes I never wear and found a jean dress and was trying it out and made mention that I really wanted some cute dress up shoes...

So, my mom and I ended up going to Payless and I got a super cute pair of heels and a pair of tennis shoes. I'm not much of a heels girl, they make me nervous to walk on and I'm already so tall that I don't need them...but I guess you'd call them a "wedge" and I walked around a little bit in them and didn't fall, so that's a plus :)

Then my mom had her shift in my church's firework's booth at 12 so we hung out there with my pastor. It was soo much fun. I love my pastor and he really loves me too. We just make each other crack up. We pretty much spent the whole time just making jokes and then talking about really great topics like the church and God's plan for the church. And then Mark called me while I was there so I got to talk to him for a few minutes. Then my mom and I ended up coming home and having more enchiladas and watching So you think you can dance all night. 

And I got to talk to Mark again so it was just a great day. I think tomorrow will be great too...church, family sunday which means lunch at church after services, hang out with Rosie at the fireworks booth and then mexican food for dinner! YES.

Oh yeah, and I have to jot down this memory because I don't want to forget it. I really want to be able to shake my butt like those crazy hip hop girls can do. So, my mom and I were talking about it when we showed up at the booth and I ended up asking PC (Pastor Chuck) if he could do it and I don't know if he or I started it but the rest of the day we joked about my "booty shake"skills and he confessed to being called "white chocolate" in highschool and I said that made me Almond. You probably had to be there to think it was hilarious but just trust me, it was. Good times

Blessings.

If you read my last post then you should be surprised that I've written this because I should be working. But sadly I had to call 911 around 6 and David went into the hospital. He suddenly got very clammy, cold and non-responsive. I hope he's okay. Please pray for him. It's just been a really exhausting last 10 hours or so.

But a couple of really great things came out of this;

1. My dad and I had a great conversation.

and

2. I called Mark right after I left the hospital and it was just an awesome moment. I told him what happened and he was asking me how I was feeling and doing. I was just really overwhelmed and still in a bit of shock...and he asked if he could pray over me! So awesome.

Blessings

Lots to talk about, of course. I am trying to make a commitment to writing on here at least twice a week and now with my new work schedule that might work...or I'll be too tired to actually sit down and write stuff down. My new client, David needs 24 hour care so I'll be there Wed. morning through Sun. morning. It's actually kind of exhausting being there for so long. I started on Sun. (3 days ago) and was there from about 10 in the morning till Mon. morning around 11 but because of the schedule I want, my office had the other guy come in and he'll be there till Wed. morning when I go back. I'll leave all the details out right now about David, maybe I'll tell you more next Monday.

I had the oddest/scariest dream on Friday night, I think. My house had been burglarized, which isn't really any big deal because I don't live in  a neighborhood where burglary doesn't happen too often. But then I was driving home from a night client and I drive past this ominous looking car and they've written something to extent that they want to hurt ME, personally and I get this horrible feeling that they're the ones who stole from my house and they're coming back to hurt me. And then I got home and was in hysterics and all these folks are at my house trying to help Daniel and Amy clean up and make it look like a real house again. It was just soo real-feeling. I hate those. I woke up several times that morning, just trying to convince myself that it wasn't real. Weird.

Once again, I've saved this as a draft and am now beginning it again. So, I started this entry this morning before my day even began...and now that it's 11.04pm I can say that it has been a very very emotional day!

The beginning was really great. I got to sleep in till about 9.30 or so and then got to watch some TV with Amy. Then I got to have lunch with Joyce (my first client, Helen's daughter) at the Cheesecake Factory. It was GREAT conversation. We seriously talked about anything and everything. So here's the perfect time for my segue way...

Last night Mark and I were talking and he was mentioning the fact that he always dates women who are codependent and then he told me about how he found out about what codependency is and then said that I should look it up, online. So, naturally I asked if he thought I was codependent (not really exactly sure of what it was myself) and he said that he didn't say that and he wanted me to look it up and then email him my thoughts. I didn't end up getting to look it up till almost midnight and then emailed him that if I ever went to a therapist she'd probably say I'm codependent. If you'd like, y'all can look it up but here's a small paragraph to read if you're interested;

I don't really want to type out every single conversation I had today about this but I'm really starting to realize that I see my mom as this person to take care of, just as my mom saw her mom as that, and my grandma saw her parents as that. It's just this generational cycle of un-fulfilled lives. And most likely if you're reading this and really care anything about me or have any ties to me then I've already talked to you about this, but this is just me wanting to document my self-realizations. So, we'll see what happens. Once I have another day to think about it all then I'll write some more.

I'm really tired now and work is tomorrow. So, no more updates till Sunday probably. Oh yea, and God is amazing. I seriously cried a lot today and by the time I was almost home and all cried out Rosie calls me and was just an amazing listener and encourager. So, thank you Jesus for your perfect timing!

Blessings

So Sunday was my 1st father's day where I can say I had a dad to celebrate it with. I mean, my blood-related father. And really, it's not like we celebrated together but I texted him in the morning. I think he was in church but we texted back and forth for a little bit. It was actually really cool. I had texted him at first just saying I loved him and wished him a happy day and he wrote me back saying I love you too, so of course we had to argue back and forth about who loved who more. And I had decided to send my papa Paul (my pastor in northern CA) a picture of myself signing "I love you" so I sent it to my dad too. He texted me back saying that he loved the picture and I told him that now he could have me with him all the time and he said he already had me with him always. I didn't remember sending him a picture from my phone before so I asked what he meant and he said that he always has me in his heart (I know, cheesy. But it made me feel great) and I told him that if I were there he would have gotten one of my amazing hugs for that one :) Later in the day we talked for a few hours and of course, I ended up calling all my other "dads" sometime during the day to let them know I was thinking/praying for them and loved them. Including, Rich and Don.

This week has been very full and busy. I have so much to write about but no energy to actually type it all out, which makes me really sad. I wish I could just speak and my words would just appear on the screen. That'd be soo sweet! But, anyways Monday I just worked. Nothing too big happened, I don't think. Yesterday I worked in the mornin then got to go grocery shopping with Amy and of course, watched an episode of The Bachelorette. I know, but y'all watch at least 1 ridiculous show too so don't hate! And then Candy and her mom, Kim showed up around 4. We went to Olive Garden and talked while Kim just laughed at our nonsense. But we did get to have a good conversation about recessions and the up-coming depression lol...okay, it wasn't 'good' necessarily but it was interesting. Hopefully I'll write more about that later. And then Kim left to go back to Modesto and Candy and I headed down to hang out at Teazers. I sadly had to leave to go to work but once I got back we watched SuperStar together which is our all-time favorite movie that we both love and ate this stuff that I made that was like eating pure sugar and drinking pineapple shakes. Then we stayed up wayy too late and woke up wayy too early. I dropped her off at the airport because she's headed back to Japan for a month to teach some English.

That night at work was one of the most difficult nights I had with Helen. Once I had gotten there I asked if it would be okay for me to leave early since Candy was visiting me and they said that was fine. So, my plan was to work for an hour, put Helen to bed at 9 and leave no later than 9.30 but that wasn't the real plan. I ended up staying till 10. Helen fell about 3 days ago and ended up hurting her shoulder so hospice put her on morphine which completely knocks you out and Joyce (her daughter) made the huge mistake of giving it to her an hour before bed so by the time I tried to get her up to talk to her bedroom she couldn't even walk! And then again tonight she didn't have a morphine pill but it was still just really hard for her to use her legs. I soo don't want to drop her and because her shoulder hurts every time she lifts her arm then I feel as if I'm hurting her and that makes me feel so bad. But she's supposed to be moving into a care home tomorrow but all the paper work isn't coming through so she may not be able to move in until Monday. So, please pray that it all works out! If she doesn't move in tomorrow then they want me to do 12 hour shifts over the weekend...which means not going home to Modesto like I was hoping this weekend. That'll be over 3, almost 4 weeks of not being home. I'm kinda missing it.

Keep praying for Mark. He's got a couple leads on jobs but no hiring has been done yet. And it's still been kinda weird when we talk. Candy and I talked about it when she was here and I just feel as if he's just as depressed after we talk as before we talk. I just love it that when I'm down all I have to do is call Candy, email her or just hang out and I feel better, at least at the moment. Of course all my issues haven't been cleared up and whatever was bothering me is still there but time with my buddy makes me happy and I guess I just haven't been feeling like I have the same effect on Mark. But oh well.

Ok, like I said I have a lot to talk about but I just have no energy to really write it all. This alone took me 3 days of saving drafts and now I'm finally posting it. Good night.

Blessings

Wow, so I haven't written anything in a long time. Weird.

I had a huge revelation about something I'd been struggling with lately. I really feel like Christians should agree on big "hot topic" issues like abortion, war (especially the present war) and those kinds of things. I could go on and on about why I think this but I'll just get straight to my revelation...I've decided that I don't think God necessarily cares if we're all in agreement (although I do believe He has a desire and will for our thought process) but really He wants unity! John 17.23 says, "May they be brought to complete UNITY to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me..." It's more important to be united and share the love of Jesus than be un-united and share something the world already has- a mess. The real test of unity amongst believers is when we can walk in a spirit of unity even when we disagree with motives or methods! So, there it is....UNITE!!!!

Father's Day is comin up. I sent my dad's gift today. I sent him this book called "Wild at heart." I read it about 3 months or so before he contacted me last year and I was especially impacted by 1 specific quote in the book about a dad affecting a daughter's feelings of worth. So, I wrote a lengthy note in the book for him. I wonder if he thinks I've forgotten because today we talked and he goes, "ok well I'll call you this weekend." But I want it to be a surprise so I didn't say anything about it being Father's Day. And then on the 18th will be our 1 year anniversary since we began our father-daughter relationship. A part of me is saddened by that. It's been a year (in just 8 days) and he's only once tried to see me and then he cancelled on me. I just wish that he'd truly do anything, and I literally mean anything, to see me. But hopefully someday soon...like in the next year.

Please continue to pray for Mark and his kids. He's searching for a job right now but God is really providing for him, it's so cool to see God move in awesome ways like that. But I am seriously finding it difficult to know what to do or say. I feel as if I'm completely useless and really not doing anything. I know what you'll say...well you're being an ear to him...it just doesn't feel like any good. I wish I could really do something. I was telling my dad this and he goes, "well, what would you do?" And I go well I don't really know but I just want to be there in person, and really just give him a hug because I'm an amazing hugger. My dad about cracked up when I called myself an amazing hugger (even though ask anyone and they'd say the same about me). And it might not sure world hunger but just the simple act of hugging someone can make their day. So, I wish I could hug Mark right now. And I guess it's frustrating me too, it almost seemed like we were both about to cry on the phone. He was all emotional about not feeling like he can support his kids and I'm all emotional cuz I feel like a useless "friend" on the other end who has no idea what to say or do to make anything okay and wondering why he even calls me. Well there ya go for true confessions.

I'm tired.

Blessings.

I've really been wanting to write because I have stuff to say but now that I've waited so long I'll probably forget some stuff or get tired of writing and quit before I've said all that I want to say. But, let's see how it goes...

So, last week I wrote that I didn't think I'd find out anything about a job till this week. Or maybe I didn't...but anyways I thought I'd know about the Senior Helpers job by Thursday well then I called and she said not till next week. I talked to Mark and he reminded me that I want what God wants for me and not just some job. So, I spent Thursday praying and I decided to go to another senior care place to get an application but for some reason I didn't end up filling it out and I had decided to go home Thursday night to spend some time with Candy before she leaves for Japan. And I was praying that I'd have a job by this week and then I probably wouldn't be able to be so flexible with my schedule. So, anyways on Friday I was at Candy's visiting with her parents before we left and I get this call from Senior Helpers with a job offer! God is soo good!! Even when his kids are impatient!

My first day was today! I work 7 days a week, 8-10pm (I'll talk about my mom's response to this later in the blog). The lady I'm serving, Helen, is well into her 90s. I found out after I met her daughter and son-in-law that she has a terminal illness. I think I realized tonight how much this job is going to affect me. I almost cried when I watched her husband interact with her. He's very spry, although he's probably just as old as she is. But he's spunky and I think he's probably been taking care of her up until now and is realizing he can't do anything else and that eventually he's going to lose her. I can only imagine what that must feel like, especially for a couple who's probably been together well over 50 years. Even the way he touches her is still loving and sweet. Like I mentioned the daughter was there and you could tell right away that she treats them both like children. When I got there she was sharing pictures on her lap top. She and her husband just moved to Nevada in the past few months and I think once they got the news that her mom had cancer they came to help plans care arrangements and all that. And Helen's husband confessed to me that he thought she was enjoying it more than they were :)  He's super cute. And even the tone of her voice was very...I don't know how to describe it. I just wanted to tell her that they're still grown adults and deserve to be treated as such. And she really wanted her dad to stop working so hard around the house. Even while I was there he was up emptying the trash, running the dishwasher, etc. and I just thought, that's how he's getting through this. He needs to keep busy because if he doesn't all he'll have to do is sit and think about the pain his wife is going through dying with a disease/illness that he doesn't understand and can't fix. I think this job is going to be really emotionally draining but I really hope to encourage these folks, even if it's just cleaning up their house or helping to put Helen to bed. Please pray for this family.

On Sunday my friend Roxie came into town so I left Modesto by 1 and I called Mark on my drive down. It was our first long phone conversation, it lasted almost as long as it took me to drive to Fresno- an hour and 45 minutes. I was wondering if we'd ever have conversations longer than a few minutes and lo and behold, we did. It was really good, although parts of it were harder for me to hear than other parts. We talked about lots of different things but 1 thing that really hit me hard was when he told me that I have insecurities and that really it's not that I'm a people pleaser (I was telling him that I don't like letting people down so I try to make them all happy by not doing anything that'll upset anyone- like my mom or friends) but that I don't trust myself to make my own decisions so I let others do it for me and that is really hard for God to use me when I'm like that. I knew he was right so that's what made it hard to hear. I could have made up some dumb excuse or tried to argue but deep down I know that is the real issue. He asked what I'm doing about it and I know I've definitely made progress since I was in high school and I did accept a 7 days a week job and I am going to live in a pink house for a year doing urban ministry and I'm working with old people instead of substituting teaching that would pay $100 a day.

Which brings me to my mom...I was seriously soo frustrated at her Saturday morning. My church ladies are having a big yard sale next weekend and all the proceeds go to missions so I wanted to get some stuff together to send with my mom. Well, she starts freaking out saying that I'm getting rid of all these memories but that "it's your stuff. do whatever you want with it." I had told her that I just really want to get rid of all my material possessions. I mean, I don't want to get rid of EVERYTHING. But come on, I do not need stuffed toys from my birth or figurines that just collect dust. I want to live simply and I can't do that with a bunch of crap. Anyways, at one point she goes, "well you need to tell people who buy you things that you just want useful stuff." and I go, "well, yea they should know that." and she goes, " you know, people don't know you as well as you think (and then the real clincher) I don't even think I know you sometimes." Hello, Guilt Trip! Ironically enough I heard a message this morning on the radio that I soo wished my mom could have heard, all about letting your kids go and that they won't leave you forever. The pastor also helped me to realize something...when the kids finally leave the nest parents are mourning a loss of a relationship. Of course, their new relationship, one that involves some distance and less every day encounters, may be a good one and even better but the old relationship is still going to be felt as a loss and I think that maybe my mom is going through that. She liked what we used to have and me being away means I'm making a life for myself that doesn't involve her participation 24/7. So, please pray for us.

Ok, I think that's enough for now. I'm exhausted.

Blessings

I'm waiting for a call from the Senior Helpers place. The lady who interviewed me said that Thursdays are orientation day and I had my interview Tuesday. She said she wanted to call my references and that I should hear back from them by Thursday so I'm assuming that means I'll hear from her today. Let's all pray!!

I'm really depressed today. I checked my grades for the semester :(  They suck. I really should have tried harder. I got a D in one of my major classes and I'm worried I'm going to have to do it again. I don't think you can graduate with a D in one of your major classes :(  But, thankfully it won't be that big of a deal because I thought I was going to take a semester off in the Spring and apply for graduation in the fall. So, I'd "graduate" in December and then walk in May with everyone else but instead if I can't have a D and have to re-do the class then I'll just apply for graduation in Spring and walk in May still. But still I know my mom will be a little disappointed. She's pretty good about not giving me a bad time and actually, I don't think she's ever even asked about my grades until someone else brings it up but I'm mad at myself more than anyone else could be :(  My other grades weren't so good either...except Social Work. I got an A in that class but that's only because I really really loved that class. So, yea. I'm sad.

I'd also like you all to pray for my friend Mark. He's just havin a rough time right now. I don't need to get into it all. God knows what's going on and He knows the plans He has for Mark and his boys. But, I really wish I could do something but that's a little hard from all the way here. So, please pray that I can think of ways to encourage him and be a friend right now. I don't like seeing people down and discouraged and it's even worse when I feel like I'm helpless and can't do anything.

Blessings.

So, I talked to Mark this morning and he's really got me thinking. Part of me really likes him and then the other part says he makes you so frustrated. We started off just talking about normal stuff but it somehow ended up coming to us. I can't really remember how it went but he ended up saying that maybe he should ask me to marry him (he's done this before) and I told him that I didn't think he should. Of course this just brought us to the fact that I'm in California and not Georgia, although his idea is that I finish school there and live in his house (he says he'll let me sleep in his room and he can throw a bed onto the enclosed porch). But the thing that frustrated me was that I'd say something like, "well, there's my mom to think about," or I'd say I have school and he said that I shouldn't care what my mom wants, or even want he wants but I should listen to God (that didn't frustrate me. I know I should be listening to God) but then if I tried to say anything he just said, "ok let's not talk about this now. that's all I wanted to say." And then what really got me, "you seem like you've already made up your mind anyways." I haven't made up my mind at all. I have no idea what God has in store for me. Maybe God does want me in Georgia and maybe He does want Mark and I to be together. But Mark doesn't know that and it was just really frustrating that he doesn't think I'd allow God to work in this.

Eh, I guess it doesn't matter and I feel better now.

Blessings

I have a very HUGE praise report. I asked you all to pray for Mary in my last blog. Tuesday morning she had surgery to put in a heart catheter and she did very very well!! Praise be to our Almighty God!! The doctor had also thought she might have a bad valve but when they got in there all was fine and dandy! I'm so excited and happy. God is sooo good!

Last night I had my first introduction to the folks I'll be living with for 10 months! 4 people couldn't make it but I met George (I had actually met him before because he goes to City and is part of IV so he went to Catalina with us. He's pretty outspoken and has lived in inner city Fresno all of his life so I think he'll be able to give us a very personal reflection of what it's like to live in the inner city), Carlanda (she's african american and very pretty. She seems to enjoy her clothes and shoes a lot so that'll be interesting. It always makes me interested when people come in with such outward signs of materialism and how the teaching and hands on experience of living in the inner city and reading what God has to say about such things, will change her perspective), Allysa (she seems very much like me...plus she knows sign language. She's white and seems shy. She used to live in Ohio and now lives here and wants to impact the inner city kids she wants to teach. I'm excited about getting to know her better.) Stephanie (ironically she and I went on an urban plunge last semester together and lo and behold, she walks into the pink house! Plus, we're roommates!), Arturo (He's been all over the place and looks like your typical thug...baseball cap, long shirt, baggy pants but I think I'm really going to like him. Beth asked us what we're expecting from our 10 months in the PH and he said that he knows this is going to be really hard on him and that he had REALLY prayed for discernment about his decision to join and that now that he's here he's getting nervous. He seemed very real and transparent. I like that). That's all of the ones that could make it. There's also 2 more girls and then a married couple, as well.

I left the meeting feeling very overwhelmed but still very excited about what God has in store for us.

Moving on to another subject. I talked with Mark (my friend I've mentioned a couple of times) today. Last weekend I went to visit friends in the hills and while coming back to Fresno I felt God just bringing Mark to mind so I prayed for him and his boys (he has 2 boys. I can't remember their exact ages but they're both under 13) and then I texted Mark to let him know I was thinkin about him. That doesn't seem like a big deal but it really was. We've been talking at least for 4 years now online but I've never texted him, let alone called him on the phone. He's wanted to but I've just never felt comfortable enough. So, today we were talking on-line and he mentioned it and said that he wasn't expecting it. The conversation then transitioned to talking about our relationship and it ended up him telling me that I can't be loved if I won't accept the offer of love given to me. Sometimes I hate when God uses other people to point out some things that need to be dealt with.

I think I'm a really loving person and a very un-conditonally loving person. I just really love people and I'm the type of person who could meet you once and care about you for forever. I remember this guy who started coming to our church. His name was Jay and I found out his story later but he had 2 teenagers and he and his wife were separated. He didn't want a divorce but I think she had some mental issues. Anyways, I would start conversations with him at church and soon I was asking him to play his guitar for me during a teen revival. He ended up leaving our church but I truly loved him and there's been a lot of instances of that. Just like my friends up north...people are amazed that 1 week after I met them I was back up there to perform at a funeral for one of the men of the church. I'm just like that. But it's not so easy for me in relationships between me and someone who could eventually be my husband. I haven't had much dating experience...okay, actually pretty much one and that was with the guy I dated last year and that was for 3 months, long distance and he only wanted sex, ultimately.

I think I really have an issue with my self-esteem. I know God made me the way I am and that He loves and treasures me and thinks I'm beautiful but God is not the men that go to my college or the men who I can randomly meet on the street. And it's hard for me to believe that the men in the church are any different. They should be different...they shouldn't care about looks or the size breasts you have and they should be more willing to get to know you, how God created you as a woman but my experiences have left me sadly frustrated. So, I'm left wondering how a man could like me when he's only seen a couple of pictures of me and has talked with me for a few years. Sitting here writing this it seems obvious...He must truly like you if he's stayed around this long and has kept pursuing you...even if that just means being online and willing to talk and not giving up on me.

I guess I write all of this just to try to get my emotions and feelings worked out. Try to make some sense of all of this. And he ended up calling me...just if you're wondering. Today, actually. It felt good.

Blessings.

I feel really weird. Not weird in the physical way but emotionally weird. It's strange...and weird. It's like I feel really upset and don't want to be around anyone when nothing should be making me feel this way. This morning was bad because I went to class at 8 (was late) but when I showed up my prof. wasn't there and some girls were passing out some old papers. Then I find out some people came to speak to our department so she had went to talk with them but ended up staying till 8.45 (our class ends at 9.15) She finally comes back in and says that she'll postpone our test that was going to be on Tuesday and that she wants us to stay because the people that came might want to talk to us. What?!? So once she leaves a friend of mine gets up and leaves and then my other friend asks me to go with her out to her car to grab something so we leave. I would have just gone back to my dorm and went to sleep but I have another class in that same room at 9.30 :(  And then that class was soo completely boring that I could barely stay awake. I was an idiot and didn't go to bed last night till 2! Ugh, I just feel weird. 

I had water aerobics at 1 and my friend asked me to go to the pet store with her afterwards. So I jumped into the shower and changed and met her at her room. We get into her truck and (I'm not lying) her truck won't start! She had left the interior lights on and ran her battery out. And, of course, what I wanted to do was tell her adios and let her deal with it (jesus, forgive me) but instead I sit there and thankfully there's a police dispatch on campus and they'll jump start your car so it was running again in a matter of a few minutes. But then we seriously drive around Fresno for 45 minutes looking for the pet store. So, we finally make it there and when you walk into this pet store one of the first things you see is this huge fish tank with super thick glass and a green sign that says, "Hi. My name is Star and I'm a shark. When I'm full grown I'll be 6 feet long!!" She looked to be about 3 or 4 feet inside this 7 or 8 feet long, 5 or 6 feet deep tank. All I could do was stare at this creature and all I thought was that she didn't deserve to be in there. She should be in the ocean. All she did was swim around and around that stupid tank, sometimes it seemed as if she would swim really fast like all she wanted was to escape that confined space. And I got so angry that they'd actually put this SHARK! in a tank in a pet store that I seriously wanted to turn back around and walk out. Maybe that's a bit rash and I should probably chill out but it seemed like just another thing that peeved me today.

I'm finally back now and listening to my brand new Derek Webb CD which is really helping to make me happy. Although really I just want to sit and talk to a certain person but hopefully later tonight. But tonight should be interesting too. I'm supposed to have dinner with everyone at 6 at our cafeteria and since it's Valentine's Day they'll probably have some big fancy meal, which should make me happy but it doesn't. And then I need to take my friend to Target to return some stuff and then take her to the train station. I hope I can get ahold of my dad. He called me 2 days ago and I've called him back a few times now and he still hasn't responded :(

I need a hug. Thank God my friends are coming to visit me from up north.

 Wow, so I really want to write soo much stuff down that I've been mentally noting in my head but I bet the minute I try to type it all out I won't be able to remember it all and it's going to come out as a mess of different thoughts and ideas from the past 2 days. So, my apologies for the mass confusion in the following paragraphs.

Today (Wed.) I had my oppression and diversity class. As I noted in my last blog I love this class and I'm always interested in what we'll be discussing. Next month we have a paper due on our culture. I actually must admit that I haven't looked at the prompt yet but today's lecture got me more interested in sitting down to look at it. My professor really wants us to consider our stories and what aspects of our lives make us the people that we are today. So, we watched this clip about storycorps which is this great group of people who go drive in this van and have people sit in this booth with a facilitator while they tell stories about their lives. It was soo interesting. The very first little clip they showed was of an older couple, Danny and Annie. I think the only thing that I could think about while I listened to this clip was the love that radiated sooo strongly from this man and woman towards one another. And how much I wanted it. I typed up one of the audio clips and also added the link. Listen and/or read it:  http://www.storycorps.net/listen/stories/danny-and-annie-perasa

(letter written to Annie by Danny): my dearest wife this is a very special day. It's a day in which we share our love which still grows after all these years. and now that love is being used by us to sustains us through these hard times. all my love all my days and more. happy valentines day.

i could write on and on about her. she lights up the room in the morning when she tells me to put both hands on her shoulders so she can support me. She lights up my life when she says to me at night wouldn't you like a little ice cream or would you please drink more water. I mean Those aren't really romantic things to say but they stir my heart. In my mind in my heart there has never been, there's not now, and never will be another annie.

WOW, right? I mean, I want my words to mean soo much to a person. At 70 I want to say things like "drink more water" or "give me your hand as you walk" and that they would warm my husband's heart. Sometimes I think that I could be single if God really wanted me to but then I hear this old man talking to his wife with such heartfelt love and adoration and I think, I want that! I want to grow old with someone and receive Valentines Day notes about a love that is still growing even after all those years. My pastor in northern CA tells me that I should be praying for a husband. A part of defiantly doesn't want to do that. I want to be independent and able to live the single life and then I remember a funeral I went to of an old woman and her husband got up during the service to speak to the congregation. He mentioned that he could spend hours talking about her and as he told stories about her dedication to him, her love and tender heart towards her children and the way she put up with his weird schedule and not being around all the time and he began to cry...I remember the way he stood up there, this old man, crying because his very best friend and the love of his life was gone.  I want a man to love me like that. Someone who'll stick by me through the good, the bad. Who'll draw closer to God with me. Encourage me, love me and listen to me. 

I guess this has turned into a bit of a Valentine's Day blog. I seriously didn't mean it to and I still have a lot to talk about but I guess I'll wait till next time. 

Peace and Blessings,
Bethany