beth0329

It's been a rough last couple of days. On Wed. morning (after much prayer) I emailed Rosanna and told her that she needed to talk to PC, whether she wanted to or not and that if she didn't think she could then I'd talk to him with her. I also challenged her to think about her leadership positions within our church and encouraged her that I thought she needed some time to heal from this and decide whether she wanted to end the relationship with Jeff or not. Ironically enough but I was talking to PC as she was so I knew even before she emailed me that she decided to talk with him this Sunday about everything. But she also emailed me and said that she had already thought about the leadership positions she holds and that she had already begun withdrawing from her responsibilities, which isn't really a good thing since people were counting on her to get things done and they had no idea what she was going through, besides the fact that her boyfriend is in jail. But, I was really glad that she freely admitted that she'd be saying the same thing that I was if it were someone else that was doing what she's doing. 

But, unfortunately I got a heart-wrenching phone call Wed. evening. Paul calls me and I update him on everything; struggling with whether I should tell PC about everything, challenging Rosanna to tell him herself, etc. And after he interrupts me several times with shock that I do those things he goes on to tell me that I've been too judgmental through this all. I was seriously shocked beyond words that he said that. I really hate trying to defend myself but I tried a few times, just saying that I always went to Rosanna in love and that when I talked to him (Paul) I felt like  I should be able to say things to him that I would never say to Rosanna. I don't know, maybe that's wrong. But I've always felt like I should be able to tell some people in my life more personal things than others. Paul hasn't always taken what I've said before well so I'm not really sure why I continue to tell him such personal things but it's probably because I consider him my pastor and a father-figure in my life, but I guess I should really start being more careful. I even ended up calling my dad because he's really the only person who I've been completely honest and up to date on everything that's happened with Rosanna. And it was a really good conversation. He really set me at ease and encouraged me. He also reminded me that he thought I did the right thing, but that despite what he or Paul thinks it's really what I believe God has told me to do. So, I'm feeling better about it. But, I really am bummed that Paul said all that. I think it was even more frustrating when he continually told me, "I'm not judging you for judging her." wow, right? I guess this has been a good reminder that I can't put anyone on a pedestal.

I got 2...yes, 2! books read over the weekend! I am so impressed with myself. I LOVE the train! That's how I was able to get so much reading done. It's great to not have to drive yourself or be a passenger, with all the added stress of having to keep them awake and all that jazz, instead I can just stretch out and read! Love it. So, here they are in all their glory...

Love is an orientation by Andrew Marin 201 pages
This book was really good! But I hate deciding what to say about the book and how much to tell, but 1 sentence really strikes me as kind of the epitome of the book, "It is the Holy Spirit's job to convict, God's job to judge and my job to love." - Billy Graham said this at a rally in support of President Bill Clinton, when a reporter asked Graham why he was there supporting this man after all he did to our country. I had heard that quote before but it really struck me while reading this book. It's simply not our job to judge anyone, that is all God's doing and I certainly don't want to take over His job.

Another thing that I wanted to comment about, especially since in one of my latest blogs my friend commented about the infamous "love the sinner, hate the sin" idea. And Andrew actually has a section in the beginning of the book about that specific saying. Marin says, "Among gays and lesbians, "love the sinner, hate the sin" is the most disdained phrase in the Christian vocabulary. If behavior equals identity, then hating gay sexual behavior is the same thing as hating the gay person...this logic has earned Christians a reputation for being extremely hypocritical and unrightfully judgmental...Clever catch phrases that try to make Christianity accessible to the masses don't translate to all different populations. As soon as we drop the notion of loving the sinner and hating the sin, the pressure is then off of us to drag a GLBT person from their current 'corrupted state' to our 'holy state,' just as the pressure is off of the GLBT person to continually build up their defenses to try to guard against the slogans that hurt them time and again" (46-47). I apologize if I've ever used this slogan as a token, Christian catch phrase.
There was so much stuff in this book that was good but perhaps I'll go into more later. Highly recommend all folks to read it!


Crank by Ellen Hopkins 537 pages

My pastor's daughter passed me this book. Very good. It's written in poetic form so it took a few pages to catch on to the rhythm but I really enjoyed it. Beautifully written and really gave me some insight into what this drug can do, in such a short amount of time. Powerful. She's also written several other books on similar subjects that I hope to read sometime soon.

And now I am nursing a very painful lower back that I believe was caused by a 4 hour long bike ride from Redding to Modesto, plus several other long rides throughout the weekend at Jubilee in Nor Cal. I was able to see my chiropractor this morning, he said, and a I quote, "You look like shit." I seriously did too. I was about to cry I hurt so bad and he's now wanting to see me tomorrow too. So, I hope the pain subsides soon.

Alright, time for me to get off here and into bed so I can keep reading my newest library book, Pretties, the next book after Uglies, the book that I already read.

Blessings y'all!

I can't believe it's already April. This year is seriously going by way too fast. At the end of May I'll be graduating and then only a few more weeks after that I'll be moving out of the Pink House. Crazy. And then today was a flurry of future excitement. I heard from Andrew Marin, as I mentioned in my last post and then I met with Nick Jones from CareFresno this afternoon. There's an apartment in South East, the same apartments I've been interested in, that CareFresno has spoke to and their opening up a 2 bedroom, 2 bath apartment free to anyone who wants to do ministry there. I am so STOKED! God is soo good. I seriously have been meaning to look into this since October but continually put it off and instead of just leaving me in the dust, God just takes up the mantle and insures that I do His will. He seriously blows my mind! Now I am just really going to be praying about the folks at my church and their willingness to join me in this venture. Nick said that it would be good to have 2-3 volunteers each day of the week that I do the after school program. That seems like quite a few people and lots of commitment! Please join me in pray.

Oh, and guess what else! I may get paid to do this! CareFresno is partnering with AmeriCorp; I sadly am not completely understanding the program but it consists of the church investing money into Americorp and then them investing into a leader, that would be me! to learn under CareFresno and minister at the apartments. But, that is ultimately up to my church since their the ones who would be investing the money. A part of me doesn't think they'll do it because we're low on finances right now, but we shall see.

On Sunday morning I'm off to Catalina to study the book of Amos. Five folks from the PH will be there! That should be really fun. And it's just going to be really nice to get away again for a whole week. Away from the computer, cell phone, school, responsibilities and just be able to enjoy nature, friends and time much needed with God. Can't wait.

Oh yea, and my birthday was great. I'm so glad I was able to go up north. I think if I would have stayed in Modesto I would have been sorely disappointed, those folks didn't represent very well at all. Thankfully I got a phone call from Rosanna on the day of and some facebook messages but that's about it. But while up North I think I just really got some lovin that I needed. My mom and I arrived on Fri. night and just talked a little with Papa and Shelley and then went to bed. On Sat. we just chilled in the morning. I went on a short bike ride with papa and Albert, then my mom, Shelley, grandma and I went to a baby shower and that was fun. Then that night got to just enjoy spending time with the family watching a cute Disney film. And then woke up on my birthday to my most favorite breakfast made by Shelley; ham and potato casserole, plus homemade gravy and biscuits! Mmmmm. So delicious. And then had all the folks at church sing Happy Birthday to me and 2 others who had their birthdays near mine...then after church we invited everyone to one of my favorite restaurants in Redding, a Chinese buffet. Lots of people ended up coming with us which was really good. I just love spending time with people. If I could I'd seriouslygather up everybody I care about and have us all live near one another. I got a few gifts; a cute mug from Marilyn, The women of the bible from Carol, some money from Nancy and Dwight, a gift card from Borders from my mama, money from grandma and grandpa and then 2 books and a picture frame from papa and Shelley, plus some amazing cards full of love. It was just a great birthday weekend with the people I truly care about the most (not to say I don't care about people outside of Northern CA, but these folks hold a really special place in my heart).

Okay, well I've rambled on for quite awhile and it's already 1 in the morning. So, i'm off to bed. Goodnight y'all.

Blessings.

 I'm actually in Modesto right now! I can't believe it either. It's been almost a month or a little over since I've actually seen my mom. And I really only got to see her an hour last night before she went to bed and then I saw her for a few minutes this mornin. I'm heading up north here soon, actually I'm waiting on a girl who's going up with me who obvioiusly doesn't realize that I hate not being on time and we're wasting precious time that I could be spending with my family up north, instead of waiting on her. But I'm trying to deal

 But I'm a little worried about the visit because I still want to talk to Nick about manifest destiny and what he meant, if you don't remember the conversation you can read the entry about it. And I've been meaning to mention it but I am considering getting dread locks this summer. I've been doing my homework and I'm realy interested in it. There's different ways you can get them done;

( Dreading Methods )

So, most likely I'll do the backcombing but I want to get it done by a professional because I want it to look good. But, anyways I was telling my pastor's wife from up north and she really didn't like the idea. I guess I just thought she'd be cool with it, like...well, that's silly but go for it. But instead she gave me a bad time about not having a good reason for getting them and not doing it the "natural way." It was just really weird. 

It made me start thinking that people outside of Fresno don't really know who I am anymore. Especially this past year I feel as if I've been transformed in getting to know God's heart for justice and the inner-city...and my thoughts have changed on really big, important things like war and peace. So, I'm struggling with whether I should bring up tough subjects and tell them my views or just keep it quiet because most likely most people won't agree with me or understand it. So, pray for me in that.

Anyways, I'll be back on Sunday night and then I'll actually be able to spend some time with my mom which will be nice. Although I'm also going to bring up the fact that I am going to live in Fresno over the summer with Daniel and Amy, so I'm hoping she'll take that well.

Whew, lots and lots of stuff to deal with. But thankfully I get to ride on the back of a motorcycle this weekend :)

Blessings

My birthday was on Saturday, March 29th. My mom and I headed to northern CA on Friday afternoon. Let me just quickly tell you why northern CA is so very important and special to me. Two years ago, summer 06 I was planning on going to Guatemala on a mission trip with IV. By June I was completely funded and I was leaving in July. My old pastor Nick and his wife had moved to Redding earlier that year and we had been really close. He had been my pastor since I was 12 and I spent many a summer at their home. So, they invited me to come up for a week and perform a few songs in sign language at their new church, which they would just go on and on about. And since I was going on a mission trip they also told me I could do a short spiel about Guatemala and ask for prayer supporters.
I end up going to this church; a small building but an amazing group of people. I literally stood infront of that small church of about 40 people at the time, my knees shaking infront of these big bad biker guys and their wives, signed my first song and saw them all in tears. It was amazing and I ended up leaving that day with $700 to buy personal necessities for Guatemala!
The day I was there was also Father's Day and I ended up signing a song by Big and Rich (a secular country group) called "Live this life" and a part of it talks about a girl in a wheelchair who is ignored by people but she spreads her little wings and flies home. One of the main men of the church, an elder, named Don was really touched by the song and I found out that his daughter (in her mid-30s) had been diagnosed with cancer and spent many months in a wheel chair. When we came back that night she had passed away and I ended up coming back a week later to perform that song during her funeral. That is how fast I became family in that church. They all fell in love with me and I fell in love with them, especially the pastor and his wife, Paul and Shelley. I could go on and on about all of them!
But, since that would take hours, I'll just say that they threw me a BBQ birthday party the day of my birthday and here's some pictures of the day! It was a blast!!






Blessings.

As of about 8 o'clock this morning I turned 22 years old. Crazy. Right now I'm just sitting here relaxing before we have a BBQ later with my church family. 

I kinda think birthdays are a little sad now, not because I'm getting older because I could care less about my age but because birthdays used to be soo much fun when I was little. It seemed like the whole day was all about your birthday and the presents and the friends. It was just so festive and fun, now it just seems like another day but with a special party and I bet as I get older that will disappear too. Sad but still, birthdays are exciting and it's good to know that several people thought about me and left me notes or called. My dad even called at like 9 this morning to wish me a happy birthday! And every day for the past week he sent me "happy pre birthday" texts! So that felt good.

But later I will post pictures of my party. 

Blessings