beth0329

I can't believe it's already April. This year is seriously going by way too fast. At the end of May I'll be graduating and then only a few more weeks after that I'll be moving out of the Pink House. Crazy. And then today was a flurry of future excitement. I heard from Andrew Marin, as I mentioned in my last post and then I met with Nick Jones from CareFresno this afternoon. There's an apartment in South East, the same apartments I've been interested in, that CareFresno has spoke to and their opening up a 2 bedroom, 2 bath apartment free to anyone who wants to do ministry there. I am so STOKED! God is soo good. I seriously have been meaning to look into this since October but continually put it off and instead of just leaving me in the dust, God just takes up the mantle and insures that I do His will. He seriously blows my mind! Now I am just really going to be praying about the folks at my church and their willingness to join me in this venture. Nick said that it would be good to have 2-3 volunteers each day of the week that I do the after school program. That seems like quite a few people and lots of commitment! Please join me in pray.

Oh, and guess what else! I may get paid to do this! CareFresno is partnering with AmeriCorp; I sadly am not completely understanding the program but it consists of the church investing money into Americorp and then them investing into a leader, that would be me! to learn under CareFresno and minister at the apartments. But, that is ultimately up to my church since their the ones who would be investing the money. A part of me doesn't think they'll do it because we're low on finances right now, but we shall see.

On Sunday morning I'm off to Catalina to study the book of Amos. Five folks from the PH will be there! That should be really fun. And it's just going to be really nice to get away again for a whole week. Away from the computer, cell phone, school, responsibilities and just be able to enjoy nature, friends and time much needed with God. Can't wait.

Oh yea, and my birthday was great. I'm so glad I was able to go up north. I think if I would have stayed in Modesto I would have been sorely disappointed, those folks didn't represent very well at all. Thankfully I got a phone call from Rosanna on the day of and some facebook messages but that's about it. But while up North I think I just really got some lovin that I needed. My mom and I arrived on Fri. night and just talked a little with Papa and Shelley and then went to bed. On Sat. we just chilled in the morning. I went on a short bike ride with papa and Albert, then my mom, Shelley, grandma and I went to a baby shower and that was fun. Then that night got to just enjoy spending time with the family watching a cute Disney film. And then woke up on my birthday to my most favorite breakfast made by Shelley; ham and potato casserole, plus homemade gravy and biscuits! Mmmmm. So delicious. And then had all the folks at church sing Happy Birthday to me and 2 others who had their birthdays near mine...then after church we invited everyone to one of my favorite restaurants in Redding, a Chinese buffet. Lots of people ended up coming with us which was really good. I just love spending time with people. If I could I'd seriouslygather up everybody I care about and have us all live near one another. I got a few gifts; a cute mug from Marilyn, The women of the bible from Carol, some money from Nancy and Dwight, a gift card from Borders from my mama, money from grandma and grandpa and then 2 books and a picture frame from papa and Shelley, plus some amazing cards full of love. It was just a great birthday weekend with the people I truly care about the most (not to say I don't care about people outside of Northern CA, but these folks hold a really special place in my heart).

Okay, well I've rambled on for quite awhile and it's already 1 in the morning. So, i'm off to bed. Goodnight y'all.

Blessings.

 Man, I don't know what i'm doing up at almost 2 but I just really want to write. So, excuse this late night typing fest. 

I went on a late night bike ride on Thursday. It was soo good. I brought my MP3 player and it was cold! I didn't realize it'd be so cold so all I had on was a t-shirt, shorts and tennis shoes. But once I started riding I just rode faster to work myself harder. I rode for about an hour listening to Derek Webb. Bike riding is such a great way to just blow off some steam, have time to think and just enjoy nature. Beautiful. 

I woke up this morning with my back aching. I hate it that I'm 22 and I can say that I have back pain. Ridiculous. But, alas I do. Right now I have a cold compress on my lower back. I ended up falling asleep on the couch last night so I hope that is the cause of it but we'll see if I'm feeling better in the morning after I sleep in my bed. I sure hope so. 

Last weekend we had InterVarsity's first ever gala. It was a black tie affair so everyone was all dressed up. I ended up wearing my "little black dress." A few people commented on me looking good...but I say it's just because they don't see me dress up very often, especially with a dress, hair all done and make up on...all at the same time. Unfortunately, I left the thingie that I use to import my pictures from my camera onto my computer up north so once I get it back then I'll post pictures from the night. Who can say a night dancing the Macarena, isn't fun?!

Last weekend was also my church in Modesto's associational meeting. It went alright but the highlight for me was Saturday during lunch. I sat by one of the elders of our sister church. His name is Roger and my mom has known him since she was in her 20s. They played volleyball together on a church team. He's in his early 50s I believe. He used to call me sis all the time and once I asked my mom why he didn't call me Bethany and she said it was because he couldn't remember my name. Anyways, in the past few years he's been having heart problems and actually had bypass surgery, but I got to hear his full testimony that afternoon and it was just soo good. And I realized how good it is for the person who's telling you something. Both people get soo much out of actually sitting down and really talking and caring about what each other are saying.  I can't even remember all the details of the testimony and really, it doesn't matter. It was just really good when we stood up and I thanked him for sharing all that with me and he said, "no, thank you for caring enough to listen." And, of course the big hug helped :)

My brothers birthday is coming up. And I mean my 15 year old brother, Josh. I decided on buying a card and sending it to him. Do you realize how hard it is to find a birthday card for a brother who you've never met and who probably doesn't even consider you a sister? I really want him to know how much I care about him and want a real relationship with him but I also keep reminding myself that he's a 15 year old guy. I never settled on a card. I'm thinking about just making one myself. Maybe that'll even mean more to him. I just wish I knew him better...Dang, I wish I could just meet him...and my dad. In July, the day after father's day it'll be a  year since my dad and I have started talking...and we still haven't met... and that's by no fault of my own! I want to meet him. I'd go into debt to get to see him. I still don't understand why he hasn't tried harder...and I know if I brought it up he'd have "good" excuses. It just hurts.

Alright, I seriously need to get to bed.

Blessings.

Thank God it's Thursday afternoon! I got both of my huge assignments out of the way that I was stressing about and I feel soo good! I think I did alright on both of them, not overly confident but I feel like you shouldn't be able to be confident about assignments when you do them the night before they're due.

I get to go home tonight which will be nice. My mom said last weekend that I can't do anything when I come home so I'm really going to try to take her request and live it out. I just want to do some sleeping, read, maybe work on my 2 papers for social work (both are only 3-5 pages each) and my church in Modesto is having their associational meeting so I'm going to go to that, as well. That will be really nice because I seriously haven't seen any of the church folks in way over a month or more. Sadly, my deacon's wife's mom passed away on Tuesday. Her name was Evelyn. I'm kinda surprised I'm not more upset about it. She was a super sweet lady. She always sat in the back of the church with her family and would always give me a nice, tight hug on Sundays and when I wasn't there she'd ask about me. I guess thinking about it is making me feel a bit more sad about it. I won't be able to go to the funeral but my mom had a good idea that I think we're going to do. I'll write a nice letter to Mary (Evelyn's daughter, my deacon's wife) and we'll buy a really pretty potted plant. She was over 80 and I know she's home now with Jesus so I think that's another reason why I'm not really sad. I think I've really come a long way dealing with death.

Next week is dead days and then finals. Crazy. All I have to do next week is those social work papers and then start studying for my finals. Thankfully nothing else is due so that's a huge relief. Oh yea, on Saturday I'm coming back to Fresno for InterVarsity's very first gala. We're holding it in a church near campus and it's a black tie affair. I'll definitely post some pictures of the evening. It should be fun. We're all bringing desserts and honoring the seniors who will be leaving us (and some of them who aren't, like me) and the staff who are leaving, plus praying over the new leadership team for next year. So, it should be a lot of fun!

I think that's all I've got to say for now. Tonight is our last servant team meeting and we get to have Las Coronas for dinner...YAY for Mexican food! :)

Blessings

 I'm up wayy too early and my tummy is in complete knots. I went to bed last night around 11.30. A part of me didn't want to sleep and another part of me wanted it so bad, just to be able to sleep and not think. I don't feel like crying at the moment but I'm sure that could change the minute I have to think about it.

I also feel really bad for another reason too. My friend Roxie also applied for the internship with me. Ever since the interview she really felt like they were going to tell her no and although she never said, I think she thought I'd make it. But the tables are turned. I wasn't even accepted and she was and was asked to stay here at State. I'm seriously REALLY happy for her. I know she really didn't want to be transferred somewhere else and she'd make an excellent leader. She's a great relational evangelist and one of my very very good friends. But I was seriously so overwhelmed last night when I got the news that I held myself up in my room and whenever I'd leave to go to the bathroom or once I left to get dinner, I just prayed I wouldn't run into anyone I knew so I never talked with her. About 15 minutes after Noemi left Roxie (I think it was her, almost 100% sure) knocked at my door and I was in bed just crying and couldn't make myself answer the door and then a few minutes later she texted me telling me that she was there to talk. So, I think I'm going to leave a note on her door and let her know I just needed last night to process things on my own. I hope she doesn't think I'm mad at her because I'm really not- I'm really excited for her and I hope she accepts! So, please pray for both of us!

I appreciate it.

Blessings.

I was just told that I'm not accepted into InterVarsity. I was given a letter (along with my staff talking with me) which said, in short...
"We are not offering you an itnernship with InterVarsity at this point but we wonder how this will open up to the area God has given you a passion and vision for. With your gift mixing in mind, The Divisional Leadership Team and I feel that further exploration of a potential call to urban ministry or social work would be helpful."

I'm more shocked than I thought I would be and can't help but cry over the loss of something that I really thought would happen. I almost feel lost, like I thought I was on the right road in life, headed towards this amazing future and then I encounter this really bad accident. But this accident isn't just some accident that is cleaned up and then I can move forward, no this accident is so bad that it's ruined the road and I have to make a U-turn. But now where? Oh God, what do you want me to do?? I'm so confused. Please dry my tears and make it stop hurting. I feel like my heart is broken and I realize that you have better things planned for me. I can count 3 people in the past 45 minutes who have said those exactl words but I don't want to hear that right now. I want IV. God help me through this

My friend Roxie leads bible study in our dorm on Wednesday nights but this week was a little different. As we have bible study and then prayer, there's also a couple of guys from IV (one is our staff and the other is our worship leader) walk around the dorms just starting up conversations with students. It's gone really well (like, some guy accepted Jesus into his heart, good) but no one in our fellowship has joined them in their enthusiasm. So Brian (the worship leader) called Roxie Wed. afternoon and told her that he felt it on his heart that he needed to lead bible study and asked if that'd be okay and of course, she said okay but felt really weird about it. 

So, here's what we discussed and some of my thoughts on it. I'm still really struggling with it and would appreciate prayers and advice...

Matthew 28.18-20 
Jesus came and told his disciples, "I have been given all authority in heaven and on earth. Therefore, go and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you. And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age. 

So pretty much Brian just asked some observation and interpretation questions to get to the core of this passage pertaining to our theme this semester, "Get Real, not religious." And we pretty much came to the conclusion that Jesus has all authority and because of that he gives us that authority and tells us to 1. Go and 2. make disciples.
To be real and to truly apply the scripture to our lives we decided our "nation" is campus and we should be going out onto the campus and being light, engaging students in conversations and showing them the way and then teaching them all the commands and that we should do this till the "end of the age." 

Now, all of this sounds great and I completely agree. I'm not disagreeing with the Great Commission but Brian implied and then challenged us at the end of bible study to consider walking around the dorms with him and TJ, engaging the dorm students in spiritual conversations. A part of me really REALLY wants to do this and feels bad that I am scared to death of doing it but then another part of me says what my friend Roxie says, I'm wired to connect and relate to people on a relationship level. We're both really good at welcoming people in and making really strong discipleship relationships with them. So, is that just a good excuse? Or does God really wire each of us different and expects some people to do evangelism different? Or is there some middle ground between the two??

I'm really hoping that while I'm in Catalina next week that I'll really hear what God has to say about all these questions I have. 

Blessings!

My dinner with the pastor and his family in town went soo good!! I am super excited. I got there a little late because I didn't realize it was raining so hard and I'd never been there but I finally found there place and this was actually the first time I formally met his wife, her name is Annette and she's super sweet. She's pregnant which is exciting because if I end up working at the church then I get to be a part of the new babies life. They also have a little girl who's 3, Nairay and a 1 year old named Elijah. They are soo cute. Elijah wasn't feeling well so he was hesitant to get to know me but Nairay is full of energy and spunk and talks about a mile a minute so I got to hear all about how she's going to feed the new baby and about pre-school. They were fun. 

But once they finally headed to bed we brought out a game called Ticket To Ride  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ticket_to_Ride_(board_game) Just check out the link to find out more and if anyone is thinking about buying me something this game kicks it! Anyways, we got to have "adult" conversation once we started playing. I asked about the church and some of the logistics...like since their Mennonite Brethren what that means pertaining to women in ministry, alcohol, theology. All the fun stuff. Then I finally just got down to it and was like so if I wanted to come on board what would you want me to do. And I seriously think I took Sam off guard. I don't think they realized that I really do want to join the ministry at their church, The Grove. So, we talked about what options I had in ministry...which is almost everything. They even invited me to a woman's conference they're having next weekend which unfortunately I won't be able to go to but I thought it was sweet that they invited me. Of course, they told me to keep praying about it and that they'd love for me to join them but it was my decision. I am definitely going to continue praying about it but I can't deny this strong urge to go there. 

And then today I am leaving for Bakersfield to attend a conference with InterVarsity. It's our winter conference. We have three different tracks; your identity in Jesus, leadership, and justice. I've actually never been to winter con. but thankfully I'm a senior and my staff said I could go to leadership. I really wanted to go to the justice track of course but leadership would have been my 2nd choice. It should be good and I'm expecting some good words from God. Despite being really excited about The Grove I'm also really scared because if I decide to commit to this church that means I won't be going home all the time and I know that not only will my mom be sad when I don't come home for weeks at a time but Rosie (and my other really good friends) will be sad too. Especially since Rosie is supposed to be leaving by April for Bulgaria and she'll be gone for 2 years! So, I feel like I have to take that into consideration too. Prayers are appreciated.

Have a great weekend everybody and I'll let you all know how the conference went when I get back!!

Blessings

I must admit that I drank a soda last night. I gave up soda for Lent but last night my friend and I decided to go out for nachos at this great 24 hour taco shop we have in Fresno. We just grabbed nachos and headed back to the dorms and started rummaging for coins to go to the soda machine outside and I had all the intent to get a juice but they were sold out so I had no other option and there was no waters in our fridge and no way was I going to spend a buck-fifty on a bottle of water from a soda machine, so I chose Cherry Pepsi...and it was delicious! I knew the minute I pressed the button what I was doing and that I shouldn't be doing it. But, alas, I did. But, right away I felt the consequences; I had a bit of a stomach ache for the rest of the night.  But, I'm back on track now and no more soda! The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.

We had Encounter last night, as well. The talk was on 'selfishness.' It's an interesting word. Our society has seemed to warp the word into this bad thing. You're not supposed to be selfish, you're supposed to share. But perhaps God meant for it to mean something different. We realize that as christians we're not supposed to be selfish and we're supposed to give, not hoard. But are we supposed to be completely selfless? Denying ourselves everything isn't good for you either, just like being too selfish but perhaps there's a middle ground? Maybe God encourages us to be selfish. The first commandment is to love no other God but HIM! I would say that's being pretty selfish and if we're made in his image then wouldn't that mean that we are selfish creatures...because God made us that way? These are just my thoughts and I'm definitely not the end all and know all about God and his character but I just thought it was an interesting topic. 

And now to the pain in my foot. So, last semester I broke my right foot. Well, ok the doctor called it a "stress fracture" but literally I broke the bone that runs down the pinkie side of your foot or the metatarsal for you medical junkies. I had only been through a few weeks of the semester and I'm walking into the dorm and I feel this sudden pain move from my foot and all the way up my leg. Right away I shifted my weight to my left foot and started very slowly and tenderly making my way into the dorm. I lived on the second floor and all I wanted to do was fall to the floor and cry. But instead I walked to the clinic which should have taken about 5 minutes from the dorms, tops but took me about 20 because I literally could not put any pressure on my right foot. I finally made it there and all he said was, "it's a stress fracture. You're too fat (okay, he didn't say those exact words but pretty much) and we can't do anything for it." He didn't even give me pain killers! So, I finally make it to my building and call my mom in tears. She tells me to come home. I must remind you at this point that it's my RIGHT foot that's hurt! I drove all the way home praying that no one would suddenly slow down in front of me because I set it to 70 and then hit cruise. It would hurt soo bad if I even lightly pushed on the brake. But I made it home and ended up getting one of those big ugly black boots put on my foot for 4 weeks. And after that it didn't hurt anymore. But for the past couple of days it's been really bothering me. I think it might be because I started wearing flip flops and of course they have no support for the side of my foot so I've been periodically wearing my tennis shoes. Thankfully today it rained but when it's sunny outside, I hate wearing shoes!

But anyways, that's what's been on my mind lately...with a whole lot of other stuff of course but then you'd be here awhile and then you'd know all my deep, dark secrets.

Blessings

 The application is finally done. whew. I really don't know how I finished it or what I wrote but it's sent. We'll see what happens next. 

My Saturday was much more relaxed and calm than the past week. It was soo nice waking up and not having to think about writing that application. And I actually ended up talking to a friend in the morning so it made it nice. Then my mom and I went to a baby shower. I really hate those games they play at things like this, but I gotta admit that I was able to drop a potato into a glass jar with the potato between my knees. And now you understand why I don't like these games. But, on the other hand I also got to hold a baby for awhile and there's no better moment than getting to hold a tiny little person in your arms. 

I also just ran some errands in the afternoon, nothing too difficult or stressing. Thank you sweet Jesus. 

And tonight I ended up going to church where some friends go. I don't really like the church building for reasons that I can explain later but I really love the people who go and it's the only time I get to see them so I make a point of going at least once a month. The pastor is okay and he's had some good sermons before but the last time I went they had this new guy who was kinda doing a "test-run" that night but I guess they liked him because he preached tonight too. And it was a Valentine's Day sermon! So right away I became skeptical and thought he was going to either talk about marriage and loving your spouse or loving your kids but, lo and behold, it was rather a good sermon even when he said to turn to 1st Cor. 13. He went through each verse and talked about its significance and even talked about context (which I love). I was impressed. I even shook his hand after the service and thanked him. Perhaps this Valentine's Day isn't going to be so bad. 

I finally got to meet up with my best pal Rosie tonight too. We had one of our late night dates at Denny's. I love spending time with her because we seriously talk about anything and everything that comes to our minds. It seemed like I had a lot to talk about and it was good to vent and purge of it all. So, now I'm feeling super good!

I hate being a procrastinator. I really do. I'm actually procrastinating while I'm talking about procrastinating! So here's a list of everything I need to get done, pretty much by tomorrow or Friday.
- InterVarsity intern application. due by Fri.
      *That means finding 6 different people to fill out references!
- Return a book to the library that's already a day late. due ASAP
- Write an article review for my health science class. due Thurs.
- Somehow get ahold of Rob to drop off 3 cards for our staff who are fundraising this weekend. (refer to my last entry- I HAVE NO PHONE!)
- Look over my friend Roxie's application
- Go with Roxie at 5 to spread the word around the dorms that we're having enchiladas tonight 
- Bible study at 6.30
- Lead prayer group at 8
- somewhere find in all that a moment to gain some insanity, what's left of it anyways.

UGH! I feel so overwhelmed right now. And I still have this stupid cough. 

I need a hug!