beth0329

It's been a rough last couple of days. On Wed. morning (after much prayer) I emailed Rosanna and told her that she needed to talk to PC, whether she wanted to or not and that if she didn't think she could then I'd talk to him with her. I also challenged her to think about her leadership positions within our church and encouraged her that I thought she needed some time to heal from this and decide whether she wanted to end the relationship with Jeff or not. Ironically enough but I was talking to PC as she was so I knew even before she emailed me that she decided to talk with him this Sunday about everything. But she also emailed me and said that she had already thought about the leadership positions she holds and that she had already begun withdrawing from her responsibilities, which isn't really a good thing since people were counting on her to get things done and they had no idea what she was going through, besides the fact that her boyfriend is in jail. But, I was really glad that she freely admitted that she'd be saying the same thing that I was if it were someone else that was doing what she's doing. 

But, unfortunately I got a heart-wrenching phone call Wed. evening. Paul calls me and I update him on everything; struggling with whether I should tell PC about everything, challenging Rosanna to tell him herself, etc. And after he interrupts me several times with shock that I do those things he goes on to tell me that I've been too judgmental through this all. I was seriously shocked beyond words that he said that. I really hate trying to defend myself but I tried a few times, just saying that I always went to Rosanna in love and that when I talked to him (Paul) I felt like  I should be able to say things to him that I would never say to Rosanna. I don't know, maybe that's wrong. But I've always felt like I should be able to tell some people in my life more personal things than others. Paul hasn't always taken what I've said before well so I'm not really sure why I continue to tell him such personal things but it's probably because I consider him my pastor and a father-figure in my life, but I guess I should really start being more careful. I even ended up calling my dad because he's really the only person who I've been completely honest and up to date on everything that's happened with Rosanna. And it was a really good conversation. He really set me at ease and encouraged me. He also reminded me that he thought I did the right thing, but that despite what he or Paul thinks it's really what I believe God has told me to do. So, I'm feeling better about it. But, I really am bummed that Paul said all that. I think it was even more frustrating when he continually told me, "I'm not judging you for judging her." wow, right? I guess this has been a good reminder that I can't put anyone on a pedestal.

I have been busy. Nothing unusual there, I guess. My weekend was full. I headed home on Thursday and spent some time with the bestie and with my mom. On Friday I spent the day running some errands and got to have a face-to-face meeting with Marvin. He's a really nice guy. We met at Burger King and then he drove me over to the ministry houses. I'll just say it now...In about 12 days I will be at 512. It's a house on the west side of Modesto. There is a girl's house, 512 and a guy's house, 511. There is already 2 gals living in my house, neither of which are sold out for the urban ministry thing and then there's 2 guys in the other house. Devin is another not sold out person but Kevin is totally into the urban ministry aspect, has a heart for the poor and LOVES the kids in the neighborhood, which is really cool. Marvin also just told me some history about the house. My house actually has a basement that he wants to renovate, so that's really cool. There's a lot of room down there so we could do SO much stuff for the neighborhood. One of my goals in moving in is to begin helping to develop a similar model in Fresno in Modesto. So, it will be liking developing a Pink House in Modesto. I am really excited about it and also a little overwhelmed, but I think it's going to be amazing.

Then my uncle came into town on Saturday afternoon and got to come to my graduation party. It turned out soo great. Lots of folks ended up coming to the party. I just love spending time with people I love so it was soo good. Even Candy and Kim showed up which was really cool and totally unexpected. I will hopefully post pictures sometime in the near future. Then my uncle and I stole away while my mom and a couple friends cleaned up and went and had coffee. It was soo nice just being able to spend time with my uncle, just me and him. It made up for not having my dad there a little bit. Then my mom and I dragged my uncle to another graduation party, it was for Charlie, Rosanna's little sister. She graduation from high school. We had a lot of fun. It's kinda nice when you're not the star of the party and can just sit there and enjoy yourself, instead of getting up and down and talking to everyone. We all enjoyed ourselves. Then that night my uncle just spent the night at my house so we all just sat in the living room telling stories and laughing...a lot. I don't think I laughed so much over the weekend as I did with my uncle. It was so much fun.

On Sunday I ditched church and my uncle and I drove up to the mountains. Really it wasn't to go anywhere, just to be together. We pigged out at Applebee's and laughed a whole lot, got lost and found our way again with his GPS. It was so much fun. He headed back to Oklahoma on Monday morning and that day I met up with Kevin at 512 and got to know him a little better. He also took me to Tapestry, the high school group connected with YFC. And I also spent some time with Candy that night. It was a long day but pretty productive.

Now I'm back in Fresno for my last 2 weeks before moving back to Modesto. Last night was our last official Pink House meeting. Next Tues. will just be a celebration party and then people will begin moving out :(   I am really going to miss this place, this house and these people. I know I am going to be super busy right after moving out so I probably won't mind too much but I know there will be some point in the near future when I will grieve leaving. It may very well be the same day I move out. God did a whole lot in me in the past 10 months being here. But, I will leave that for a later post.

I should get off here and stop myself before I start down memory lane.

Shalom

This is a depressing article about the state of Christianity. Jesus made it very clear to love our enemies....why would torture be okay??

http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/04/30/religion.torture/index.html

Blessings,
Bethany

I got another book done. I didn't realize it but Crank was just the first book in a type of series. The writer, Ellen Hopkins is writing from her experiences as a mother of a girl who gets into meth so the book I just finished is more of the story and I'm assuming that the 2 other books written by her are probably along the same lines.

Glass by Ellen Hopkins 681 pages

Lots of stuff has been going on but I don't really know where to start. And I find that I get into funks where I just don't want to have to type it all out. But, let's see. School is slowly coming to an end. We have the rest of this week, next week is dead days and then finals. Kinda crazy. I'm also doing some research into either getting my EMT license this summer or becoming a nurse's aid. I looked into Shasta College (Redding) and both classes are full but I could get onto the waiting list but that seems risky. Next I am going to look into Fresno City College and Modesto JC. And I guess whichever one has openings is where I'll be staying for the summer. But, I just have this inkling that no matter what I'll probably end up back in Modesto...but I would love to go with some certainty of a job. But, we'll see what happens. I've really just decided to let God handle it, He knows what He's doing...Thank Him!

I'm also planning a graduation party at the end of the month. Instead of walking the stage I'm just going to have a get together at my church in Modesto. It'll be from 2-4 on a Saturday so I'm just going to have appetizers and dessert and people can come and go as they please. Nothing formal or anything.

It doesn't look like my dad is coming, although he still hasn't admitted that to me so I'm still holding out some hope. I don't know if I've written all about that, but I don't think I have. Right after Easter my uncle and I talked and he told me that he was going to be the only one who was going to be coming to my grad party. I talked to my dad a few times since then and he hasn't even mentioned the party so I'll be sending him an invitation and we'll see if he talks to me about it. But the Wed. after talking to my uncle I got a good word at my church in Modesto. I won't write down all the details, but I will share the verse that impacted me so:

Isaiah 36.41
But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

I am going to love my dad until I can't love him anymore, then God will renew my love for him and I will love him even more. On my own strength I can't love my dad. He's let me down many many times. He's continually pushed me out of his life...but God desires soo much more for our relationship and I am excited about the ways God is going to grow me and my dad and I through this. Amen!

Alright, Pink House meeting tonight...on Immigration! 

Blessings!

I fasted today. Lately I've really felt convicted about my lack of self-discipline. And one area (amongst many) where I lack discipline is fasting from food. The book that I read, The holy fools talked about fasting as a way to draw closer to God and apart from a spiritual discipline, it's also a way of denying yourself something, which I think (especially as Americans) we could all use a lesson on. And I think that what hit me the most today was how quickly I felt hungry after I woke up. I'm not a breakfast eater. As hard as I try I just can't make myself get up every morning in enough time to allow myself any type of breakfast. So, you'd think that this whole fasting from dinner to dinner wouldn't get very hard until lunch-time, but instead I really do believe that because I knew I was fasting and really truly wanted to fast that my body kicked into over gear (not to mention the fact that food really does control a huge portion of my life) and I was hungry before I was ever truly hungry. I'm hoping, especially right now with a lot of things up in the air about my future, to fast every other Wednesday, at least at first. I'll talk more about my fasting revelations as they come.

Now off to get packed up for Northern CA. I leave tomorrow night! 

Blessings

I can't believe it's already April. This year is seriously going by way too fast. At the end of May I'll be graduating and then only a few more weeks after that I'll be moving out of the Pink House. Crazy. And then today was a flurry of future excitement. I heard from Andrew Marin, as I mentioned in my last post and then I met with Nick Jones from CareFresno this afternoon. There's an apartment in South East, the same apartments I've been interested in, that CareFresno has spoke to and their opening up a 2 bedroom, 2 bath apartment free to anyone who wants to do ministry there. I am so STOKED! God is soo good. I seriously have been meaning to look into this since October but continually put it off and instead of just leaving me in the dust, God just takes up the mantle and insures that I do His will. He seriously blows my mind! Now I am just really going to be praying about the folks at my church and their willingness to join me in this venture. Nick said that it would be good to have 2-3 volunteers each day of the week that I do the after school program. That seems like quite a few people and lots of commitment! Please join me in pray.

Oh, and guess what else! I may get paid to do this! CareFresno is partnering with AmeriCorp; I sadly am not completely understanding the program but it consists of the church investing money into Americorp and then them investing into a leader, that would be me! to learn under CareFresno and minister at the apartments. But, that is ultimately up to my church since their the ones who would be investing the money. A part of me doesn't think they'll do it because we're low on finances right now, but we shall see.

On Sunday morning I'm off to Catalina to study the book of Amos. Five folks from the PH will be there! That should be really fun. And it's just going to be really nice to get away again for a whole week. Away from the computer, cell phone, school, responsibilities and just be able to enjoy nature, friends and time much needed with God. Can't wait.

Oh yea, and my birthday was great. I'm so glad I was able to go up north. I think if I would have stayed in Modesto I would have been sorely disappointed, those folks didn't represent very well at all. Thankfully I got a phone call from Rosanna on the day of and some facebook messages but that's about it. But while up North I think I just really got some lovin that I needed. My mom and I arrived on Fri. night and just talked a little with Papa and Shelley and then went to bed. On Sat. we just chilled in the morning. I went on a short bike ride with papa and Albert, then my mom, Shelley, grandma and I went to a baby shower and that was fun. Then that night got to just enjoy spending time with the family watching a cute Disney film. And then woke up on my birthday to my most favorite breakfast made by Shelley; ham and potato casserole, plus homemade gravy and biscuits! Mmmmm. So delicious. And then had all the folks at church sing Happy Birthday to me and 2 others who had their birthdays near mine...then after church we invited everyone to one of my favorite restaurants in Redding, a Chinese buffet. Lots of people ended up coming with us which was really good. I just love spending time with people. If I could I'd seriouslygather up everybody I care about and have us all live near one another. I got a few gifts; a cute mug from Marilyn, The women of the bible from Carol, some money from Nancy and Dwight, a gift card from Borders from my mama, money from grandma and grandpa and then 2 books and a picture frame from papa and Shelley, plus some amazing cards full of love. It was just a great birthday weekend with the people I truly care about the most (not to say I don't care about people outside of Northern CA, but these folks hold a really special place in my heart).

Okay, well I've rambled on for quite awhile and it's already 1 in the morning. So, i'm off to bed. Goodnight y'all.

Blessings.

I seriously have so much to write about but I just really don't have the time so I'm going to try to type out the most important things.

Today was the first day of Lent. I am abstaining from listening to any, for lack of a better word, 'secular' music. I don't have much music on CDs here at the PH except for Christian but for the past year or so I've just realized that a lot of time is wasted in my car listening to, ultimately music that really isn't that good for me. When all you listen to is sex then most likely that's what you're going to think about, and don't try to convince me otherwise. Let's be honest with one another. Anyways, I decided that if I take away everything except Christian music and the one channel that I have of Christian pastors and speakers then I will either end up listening to some good, up-lifting, thought-provoking songs and speakers or I will end up turning it off and actually spending some time in conversation with my Dad. It's ridiculous but I honestly cannot tell you of a time lately that I got into my car and didn't turn on the radio. I really do believe that my generation must be stimulated in one way or another almost 24/7, ridiculous. I've already found myself, on the first day! going to turn the channel during a song I didn't know or a commercial, none of that for at least 40 days!

Oh yea, I weighed in yesterday.
Starting weight: 240.1
weigh-in on 2/23/09: 235.2
weight loss of: -4.9 lbs
Next weigh-in: Monday, March 16th

I am a little disappointed. It's hard when you know exactly why you only lost 4.9 lbs; like all the times I ate dessert, several times a week, all the times I said I'd ride my bike and didn't, the second servings at dinner, etc. So, for the next 3 weeks I am going to really try to only eat dessert once a week and that will be at the PH meetings, plus no grabbing a bite of chocolate or cookie while at ESA or the PCC. It's healthy to lose about 2 lbs a week which should be 6 lbs in 3 weeks so that's my goal for the 16th!! I CAN DO THIS!

Okay, I have more to say but I need to be studying right now.

Blessings y'all.

Wow, this weekend was incredible. I am not going to delve too deeply into it tonight but I do want to jot down the main point.

Imagine coming to a fork in the road, there's a sign and to the left is TRUSTING GOD and to the right is PLEASING GOD. You decide that pleasing God sounds soo much better than just trusting God, because of course you want to make Him happy. As you walk down this path you find yourself at a door. and on the front of the door is a sign that says, STRIVING TO BE ALL GOD WANTS ME TO BE and you think to yourself, 'yes! I want to be all God wants me to be!' and then you notice a sign near the door handle that simply says, EFFORT. So, with all your strength you turn the door knob and enter into a room. You're met by a hostess who welcomes you to the ROOM OF GOOD INTENTIONS and asks you how you're doing. You start to say that you've had a rough last couple of days but before you can finish your sentence she puts her finger to your lips and hands you a mask, as you look around the rest of the room the other people are looking at you, urging you to put on the mask, so with some trepidation you take the mask, put it on and decide to say, 'I'm fine,' soon realizing that life inside this room you WORK ON YOUR SIN TO ACHIEVE AN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD but of course this isn't possible, although you try. Every morning you wake with great intentions; today I'm going to read my bible and have quiet time with God, I'm going to clean house and fix a healthy dinner, not get mad at anyone as I drive to school, not get irritated at my friends who are making made choices, etc. but soon you find yourself feeling guilt, disappointment and frustration when you don't end up doing these things and feeling hurt when others are disappointing and frustrating you.

You then remember the other path that you could have taken and you soon leave the room of good intentions and head back to the other path. You walk the TRUSTING GOD path and find yourself standing before another door and this door says LIVING OUT WHO GOD SAYS I AM. That seems much more vague than 'striving to be all God wants me to be' but you know that didn't work for you so you go for the door knob and read HUMILITY. You study the word and it dawns on you that you can't fix your sin, you're a sinner. And you definitely can't hide behind a mask anymore, so with a humble spirit you gently push open the door to find the ROOM OF GRACE. Once again you're met with a hostess and lots of people standing in this room, but they all appear much different, more real somehow. And once again you're asked how you're doing and because you spent so much time in the 'room of good intentions,' right away you say, 'I'm fine,' but instead of an agreeing nod she asks again, 'No, how are you?' Finally you say, 'Okay, no I'm not fine. I am failing in every area of my life. I have too many responsibilities and I am letting everyone around me down. I want to be close to God but it just doesn't seem like anything I do is enough. There, that's how I'm doing. Are you happy?' and you turn to leave but before you do you catch the eyes of the other people in the room and they seem so welcoming and loving and you see the sign on the wall of the room, STANDING WITH GOD, MY SIN IN FRONT OF US, WORKING ON IT TOGETHER and you since God in this room and there's no mask. And you realize this room results in faith, belief and trust in God.

I've decided to live in the ROOM OF GRACE. I'll talk more about what that means in my next post.

I also wanted to share that I finally finished another book.

Pimps, whores and welfare brats
by Star Parker 205 pages.
- This is one of the most conservative autobiographies, or really book, that I've ever read. I read it because Star Parker has been invited by the Pregnancy Care Center to speak to leaders of primarily black churches in Fresno and I am personally inviting pastors to this event and I wanted to know who I was inviting these people to hear from. I mean, her story is pretty impressive it was just hard to sometimes understand where she was coming from. It shall be interesting getting to hear her speak. I'll definitely share more once she comes.

Blessings

I feel like I have to update even though I really don't have the time to really write a good post. But, I am off to the mountains with the ladies from my church. I think it's going to be really good, if not for anything else but just getting away and spending some time in prayer and the Word. I am really going to lay some things down like where God wants me exactly after the Pink House and about my work and school situation, loans, all that good stuff.

Amy and I attended the Bridge last night to hear my boss from ESA speak. Alan Doswald is the amazing, radical, Christ-follower. He's seriously my here-on-Earth hero. He's done soo many exciting and radical things. And something he said last night really affected me. It should be uncommon to see a Christian who doesn't look like Christ and very normal to see Christians who DO look like Christ. I know to the couple of Christians who read this blog that seems kinda silly maybe...but there's soo many people who say they follow Jesus but their lives are no different from the rest of the world. I'll write more on this when I get home from this weekend.

I hope everyone has a very blessed and amazing weekend!

And, it's my first weigh-in on Monday. I must admit that I've been stepping on the scale sometimes after my work out class in the gym so I think it'll be a good amount of weight loss, although I'm a little worried because I know when I go on retreats I eat more snack foods, so I'm going to try to hike a little and burn some calories! :)

Blessing y'all!

I don't think I realized the implications of this election for president until last night. One of the girls who lives in my apartment is African American and I knew she was voting for Obama but when the results were final that Barack Obama was our new president it really sank in that this is monumental. Also, we had our weekly PH meeting and Phil Skei joined us. He's the director of FIFUL and a really cool guy. He lives in our neighborhood. His wife is African American and before he gave his talk last night he mentioned how historical the night really was. Despite who you voted for I still think everyone can agree that last night was a big night for our country. Merely 40 years ago African Americans were slaves in this country and last night one of our candidates for PRESIDENCY was African American. And then once he was announced as our president-elect I think it really hit me that the black community has really taken a huge step in this decision. And how awesome that it wasn't just the black community who voted for Obama.

And I was even a part of this historical day. I thought I wasn't going to vote because my absentee ballot hadn't come in but on Monday night my mom called me and said it was here and asked if I wanted her to fill it out for me. Of course, the first question was, who do I want the president to be? I just couldn't choose either McCain or Obama so I said mark "other" and I had joked with my mom before about putting in Jesus so she asked if she should so I said, sure. So, my vote went to Jesus :)   

I must admit, sadly and ashamedly, that I didn't really pray for either of our candidates. Now, I talked a lot about it and discussed it with numerous people but I didn't really spend any time in prayer about how I should vote or who I should vote for. But in the past 24 hours I've really come to terms with the fact that my God is a good and awesome God and He's got everything under control. A lot of republicans are really upset right now about Obama being our president. And a lot of Christians are upset but I don't really understand that because our faith is in a God who placed Obama in this position. He is a sovereign God and He knows the big picture. We may think that Obama is going to run this country farther into the ground and that he's going to allow 10 year old girls to receive abortions and that our 6 year olds will be learning about homosexuality but we don't know the future and thankfully, God does. He can take care of us and Obama says he is a Christian so let God deal with him. Let the Holy Spirit convict him. I believe our place is to pray for our new president and to let remind Obama, by letters and petitions, about the things he said he would do for our country once president.

As Christians, God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline ( 2 Timothy 1.7).  Proclaim it!

Blessings,
Bethany

Wow, it has been a very crazy past few days...and an even crazier past few hours! 

So, right now I'm in Modesto trying to pack and get ready to be up tomorrow morning at 4.30 to head to the airport and get there 2 hours early. I'll be on my plane at 9.15am and arriving in Oklahoma City, OK at 2.30pm. 

I went to Spirit West Coast with my friend Hilary. It was amazing. On Wednesday night once we got our tent up and all that jazz we saw Building 429 (awesome), Mission 6 (kiddie group, okay), Jonnie and Brookie (young teen girls, ick) and Brooke Barrettsmith (1 of the 40 finalists for American Idol, pretty good). And we also got to see Taylor Mason, a comedian. He was really really funny.

On Thursday we saw Building 429 at worship and heard from Jeremy Johnson, very very good word. Then we saw Needtobreathe and saw the last bit of Building 429's full concert. We also saw Natalie Grant. She was really good, especially when she started her show off by doing her latest single "I will not be moved." beautiful. Then we saw a bit of Leeland and heard David Nasser speak. The night ended with an amazing performance by Third Day!!

On Friday we started later in the morning. We listened to Al Menconi on entertainment which got us to thinking and then heard Dizmas and then Matthew West, which was really good. And then got to hear Jars of Clay. Sadly I don't know much of there stuff so it wasn't so great but oh well. Then a pastor from Modesto spoke and told us his testimony which was really good and several people came to know Jesus that night (PRAISE!) and then I was a part of the most AMAZING concert ever!!! TOBY MAC!!!!! and the Diverse City Band!!!!! They were amazing!!!!!! Sooo GOOD!!!!

We were going to stay till Sunday morning but when we woke up on Saturday morning we were just both exhausted and by then I was getting really anxious about getting ready to see my dad so we drove home and Hilary's mom had an amazing lunch of burgers ready for us!! It was soo good and I got to watch Fool's Gold with them. It was cute for a chick flick.

Finally got back home and I thought I was going to pack up and head to Modesto that night but I just felt really overwhelmed with packing and my tummy wasn't settling well with the heat and food and nerves. Plus, Daniel really wanted me to stay another night to spend time with him and Amy. So, I ended up staying another night and watching some 24 with them and packing up. I woke up early this morning and finished loading my car up, said bye to the roomies and then headed for Modesto. I got here in time to go to church and say bye to my church family. It was really cool because a lot of them have been praying for my dad and I for a very long time. And my pastor Chuck even took my mom and I aside and prayed for my trip. And for my mom too, because although she's happy about me getting to meet my dad she's still feeling a bit of jealousy and all the normal things that a mom might feel when her daughter meets her father (several hundred miles away) who she hasn't seen in 19 years. 

And I got to have lunch with Rosie and then have a really great personal convo with her once we were alone. And now I'm back at home and should be packing right now, not typing all this out! But I wanted to update before I leave because most likely I won't have internet access while I'm in OK. 

Okay, I'd better get going now. I can't believe this is finally happening. 

Blessings

Wow, so I haven't written anything in a long time. Weird.

I had a huge revelation about something I'd been struggling with lately. I really feel like Christians should agree on big "hot topic" issues like abortion, war (especially the present war) and those kinds of things. I could go on and on about why I think this but I'll just get straight to my revelation...I've decided that I don't think God necessarily cares if we're all in agreement (although I do believe He has a desire and will for our thought process) but really He wants unity! John 17.23 says, "May they be brought to complete UNITY to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me..." It's more important to be united and share the love of Jesus than be un-united and share something the world already has- a mess. The real test of unity amongst believers is when we can walk in a spirit of unity even when we disagree with motives or methods! So, there it is....UNITE!!!!

Father's Day is comin up. I sent my dad's gift today. I sent him this book called "Wild at heart." I read it about 3 months or so before he contacted me last year and I was especially impacted by 1 specific quote in the book about a dad affecting a daughter's feelings of worth. So, I wrote a lengthy note in the book for him. I wonder if he thinks I've forgotten because today we talked and he goes, "ok well I'll call you this weekend." But I want it to be a surprise so I didn't say anything about it being Father's Day. And then on the 18th will be our 1 year anniversary since we began our father-daughter relationship. A part of me is saddened by that. It's been a year (in just 8 days) and he's only once tried to see me and then he cancelled on me. I just wish that he'd truly do anything, and I literally mean anything, to see me. But hopefully someday soon...like in the next year.

Please continue to pray for Mark and his kids. He's searching for a job right now but God is really providing for him, it's so cool to see God move in awesome ways like that. But I am seriously finding it difficult to know what to do or say. I feel as if I'm completely useless and really not doing anything. I know what you'll say...well you're being an ear to him...it just doesn't feel like any good. I wish I could really do something. I was telling my dad this and he goes, "well, what would you do?" And I go well I don't really know but I just want to be there in person, and really just give him a hug because I'm an amazing hugger. My dad about cracked up when I called myself an amazing hugger (even though ask anyone and they'd say the same about me). And it might not sure world hunger but just the simple act of hugging someone can make their day. So, I wish I could hug Mark right now. And I guess it's frustrating me too, it almost seemed like we were both about to cry on the phone. He was all emotional about not feeling like he can support his kids and I'm all emotional cuz I feel like a useless "friend" on the other end who has no idea what to say or do to make anything okay and wondering why he even calls me. Well there ya go for true confessions.

I'm tired.

Blessings.

So, I talked to Mark this morning and he's really got me thinking. Part of me really likes him and then the other part says he makes you so frustrated. We started off just talking about normal stuff but it somehow ended up coming to us. I can't really remember how it went but he ended up saying that maybe he should ask me to marry him (he's done this before) and I told him that I didn't think he should. Of course this just brought us to the fact that I'm in California and not Georgia, although his idea is that I finish school there and live in his house (he says he'll let me sleep in his room and he can throw a bed onto the enclosed porch). But the thing that frustrated me was that I'd say something like, "well, there's my mom to think about," or I'd say I have school and he said that I shouldn't care what my mom wants, or even want he wants but I should listen to God (that didn't frustrate me. I know I should be listening to God) but then if I tried to say anything he just said, "ok let's not talk about this now. that's all I wanted to say." And then what really got me, "you seem like you've already made up your mind anyways." I haven't made up my mind at all. I have no idea what God has in store for me. Maybe God does want me in Georgia and maybe He does want Mark and I to be together. But Mark doesn't know that and it was just really frustrating that he doesn't think I'd allow God to work in this.

Eh, I guess it doesn't matter and I feel better now.

Blessings

 I got a brand spanking new bike today y'all!!! My mom and I had a really great day too. She woke me up to the smells of biscuits, gravy and sausage this morning and we did some house and yard work. I almost bashed in the head of a gopher, but I was too slow :(   (maybe I'll explain later). And then we showered and headed over to my church for a baby shower. We were only going to stay for about an hour but we ended up staying the whole time, so I think it was almost 2 hours or so. Neither my mom or I really needed to do anything so I told her that we should go check out bikes, just to look around. I still haven't posted pictures of my bike now but I have nicknamed her The Rusty Red Rider. She's seriously on her last tire. But I will be posting memorial pictures of her sometime soon. 

Anyways, we ended up going to this bike shop called World of Wheels. You walk into this show room just full of bikes! mountain bikes, beach cruisers, 3 wheelers, all sorts of bikes! One guy came over to ask us if we needed help and we just told him that we were looking around and I think a few minutes later some other guy asked us if we needed help and again, we told him we were just looking. But soon we had another guy come up to us and we seriously stayed there a good 2 hours, at least. Maybe even more but I can't remember. I asked him all sorts of questions and test drove a few of the bikes in the lot. There were soo many pretty ones and they all rode better than my bike. Soon enough even my mom was testing some of them and we both ended up getting a bike!! Moms is a pretty blue color and it's really cool because the way the pedals are situated on the bike she has a longer leg extension so it's not so hard on her knees. And mine is silver, with a cool brown and black seat and handlebars. It's real pretty. I haven't thought of a name yet so y'all can help me out. 

So, I'm real excited. When we got home we even took them out for a short spin around the block. Mine rides like a dream! I can't wait to start riding my bike everywhere this summer!!

And now on to some things I've been thinking about...I mentioned in my last post that my friend Mark has started writing blogs on spirituality and one of his blogs is primarily about a conversation he and I had about politics and Jesus. He called me politically liberal. And I probably sound 'liberal' with my passion for social issues and my desire for a better environment and other such things but I wish I were the type of person who couldn't be pinned down to a certain political party. I really don't believe that Jesus could have ever chosen a specific politcal party. I mean, come on Jesus wasn't JUST a fan of the green party and I can't see him joining the Republican or Democrat's candidacy campaign. I just wish that I could be seen as an instrument of God's love...Him pouring His love into me so that I can pour it into others. But thankfully Mark also called me a hippy and that put a smile to my face so it wasn't a complete downer.

I believe it was last year while I was up north this dude came and spoke about Burma. If I remember correctly he was going on a mission trip there as a pilot, he was going to fly food and other resources into Burma. I LOVED it. I think he had a Q&A time and I asked about women going on these mission trips. I'm sure my mom got nervous :)   But, anyways since this guy got me interested in Burma I got online and went to the program that he was a part of. They're called Partners Relief and Development and I signed onto their newsletter. Just yesterday I got this letter from them

Tomorrow morning is my interview for the Pink House. I am praying Psalms 37.4 Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. I really really want this. I want to live in the inner-city of Fresno and learn about urban development and God's heart for justice and racial reconciliation. I feel like this is the desire of my heart, but I also realize that God grants the desires of our hearts that are HIS desires, so I am praying this is the desire that he wants for me! So, please pray for me.

 

Wow, so I feel like I have A LOT to write about. I've really been wanting to just sit down and write and everytime I think about it something else takes up my time. Last Tuesday's Encounter was amazing! We had staff from Cal Poly come over. Her name is Jessica and she's really cool. Two years ago when I went to Guatemala our team went to this thing called STIM (Students Training In Missions) and she was there leading a group to Bosnia. And she and her husband have been to a lot of the conferences that we all go together but I had only heard her talk a couple of times at STIM about missions so it was really exciting to hear her actually give a talk. She spoke on guilt and shame and God just completely used her to talk straight to my heart and helped me to realize that there's some guilt and shame in my heart over some things I've done and I need to let God work in that and get it out because he can still use me in my brokenness. 

I also had two group presentations last weekend. The first was on Monday in my Social Work class. My group gave a half an hour presentation on immigration. It was really good and I think we aced it. And then on Thursday my friend and I gave a presentation on the sounds /f/ and /v/. Sounds exciting, huh? :)  It's a speech class for deaf children so each team was given a sound and then we had to talk about its' specific acoustic characteristics, how to make that sound in the mouth, how to teach it to kids, etc. I think we did pretty good. It was just a little, short 10 minute powerpoint presenation. 

Let's see...what else? I finished reading The Kingdom of God is a party by Tony Campolo. It was really good. He talks about how as Christians we should creat celebrations wherever we are. And I think it was really important that he talks about how people get offended when he talks about the Kingdom of God as a party but that's because those people are thinking of party in the world's standards but God's standards of a party are completely different. It's a definite must read!

And I'm also really proud of something I bought. My best friend's mom gave me a $20 gift card to Borders and I bought Oswald Chamber's My Utmost for His Highest. It's a sort of devotional. For every day of the year he's taken a verse or two and wrote his own thoughts on it. It's soo good! I'll share today's verse and some of the things he says. John 14.9, "Have I been with you so long, and yet you have not known me, Philip?" I won't write everything Oswald says but some things are, "We look for God to exhibit Himself to His children, but God only exhibits Himself in His children...The very questions we ask hurt Jesus, because they are not the questions of a child...Realize that the Lord is here now, and the freedom you recieve is immediate." 

The weekend was good too, but I definitely didn't get the sleep I needed. Friday morning I worked at the kettle corn booth for Vintage Days. Vintage Days is a big fair sorta thing that Fresno State does every year and IV works at the a booth to raise money. And that night I hung out with Daniel and Amy and watched some 24. Saturday I worked at the booth again in the morning and then that afternoon I went to this Earth Day seminar on 'cohousing' with a friend who had to go for extra credit for her ecology class. It was interesting but I was really hungry and starting to get a headache so I was glad when I ran into another friend who was headed back to state and caught a ride with her. That afternoon I actually ended up taking a nap and then hanging out with some IV folks that night. We ended up going to Tacos, Tijuana (yummy yummy tacos) and then ended our night at Teazers. Sunday church was good but I had a HUGE scare that afternoon. I had decided to work on my Pink House application (I don't know if I've mentioned it but I'm applying to stay a year in a pink house in downtown Fresno to volunteer with an organization in downtown and learn about community and urban development) and for some reason I decided to check on the turn-in date which I thought was the 28th...turns out that it was due the 20th which was that day! UGH! So, I emailed the director and told her I had completely screwed up the turn-in date and asked if it'd be okay to turn the application in through email and then send a hard copy Monday (today). And then realized she probably wouldn't check her email since it's Sunday so I just finished the application and turned it in through email and prayed! But, PRAISE GOD! I heard back from her today and she said it was no problem! YAY! So, this week I'll be having an interview with her so please pray for me! 

Okay, I think that's a long enough update for now. I hope everyone is doing great!!

Blessings!

Today is the 40th anniversary of Dr. King's death. Doesn't seem like it's been that long ago that he stood up in front of America and told them his dream. I'm just curious as to what he would think of America now, 40 years later and his children and hundreds of other black people (and other non-white people) are still judged by the color of their skin, instead of the content of their character. Of course, we've made some improvements. Black people can sit where ever they want on the bus and we all share the same water fountain and restuarants, at least here in California but is that really all Dr. King wanted? I sure hope not.

With all this hub-bub about Barack Ohama's pastor, Rev. Wright, I've been thinking a lot about America and God. Last weekend while I was up north I had a shocking revelation, of sorts. My old pastor, Nick is an ex-air force guy and has been a pastor for a really long time. He's really intense about politics, in a bad way, so that when you bring up anything politics-related and you don't necessarily agree completely with him he'll make you feel really bad about it and it always seems as if he can somehow say it to make you wonder if that's the way Jesus believed too. I remember 4 years ago as I was getting ready to leave for college, he would continually remind me not to let those "liberals" change my views and morals. "You stay strong!" ...So, Jesus is a republican then, huh? God help us if he is! 

Anyways, on Saturday night after my birthday party a couple of people came over to our house to visit. It was me, my mom, Nick and Sue, Paul and Shelley and our friends Dwight and Nancy. My mom and her big mouth looks over to me while everyone is talking and says, (while everyone gets quiet) "Hey you know how you're not really in favor of the war because all those innocent people are dying? well, did you know that I'm reading that a war that Joshua was in that God allowed hundreds of innocent people to die." Or somethin like that. And, right away Nick jumps on it and goes, "Yea, God said that they'd all die like that." And I just said, "Obviously, God had a plan in that." And it just got worse from there. During most of it I stayed very quiet and tried to will God to snap his fingers and take me out of the room. But because I was busy doing that I can't really remember everything that was said. But at one point Nick looked at me and said something to the extent that Sadam Hussein killed a lot of people and we had to react to that and all I could say was, "Well, he deserves the same grace that you and I received." I don't know if Nick was shocked or appalled or what but he goes, "Well, you know I've said it before...it's a good thing I'm not God." and I almost can't believe I said it but I go, "Good thing!" And then, this is the real kicker...he goes on to talk about Manifest Destiny! (the belief common in America in the early 1800s that it was the destiny or fate of the US to expand west to the Pacific Ocean. For many Americans, the belief had an almost religious intensity, and was often considered an obvious part of God’s plan for America’s future). And how, didn't I know that God gave us this great country!? blah, blah, BLAH! I almost cried, right there on the spot! I just kept praying that he was kidding...right? A follower of Jesus who believes that God gave us this "amazing" country so we could use all of HIS (GOD'S) money for our consumerist ideals and attack other countries to kill their people?!? 

So, I've been CNN.COM the last couple of days about Dr. King and all the stuff that's going on, comparing him to Rev. Wright and all that jazz and I found an interesting quote pertaining to the Vietnam war that really resounds in my heart right now about America and the "war on terrorism,"  "God didn't call America to engage in a senseless, unjust war. And we are criminals in that war. We've committed more war crimes almost than any nation in the world, and I'm going to continue to say it." And that was over 40 years ago!

Dr. King; I apologize that your dream hasn't completely become a reality but thank you! Thank you so much for pursuing your dream and not giving up! Praise be to God for our strides and please forgive us!

I had to write a cultural autobiography for my social work class last month. I was really excited about it because I decided to really talk about my faith because my culture has really been shaped and formed by my relationship with Jesus. And I was excited because I've never really had an opportunity to talk about Jesus in a paper before. 
My SW professor is super cool. She's really a great teacher and has a lot of experience in SW. She spent the last 20 odd years in Finland and she's just got a great way in the classroom. This whole class is graded on 3 papers so that made me really nervous at first but once our first paper came around (the first one being this one) she said right away that she was available for help and that all we had to do was go to her. Of course, I had the greatest intentions but I ended up writing the paper a day or 2 before it was due so I missed out on that. But then when we came into class the day it was due and she asked for us to pass them in she said we could write 'draft' on the front and she'd look over it and let us re-write it...as many times as we needed till we were satisfied with our grade! So, I felt really confident about my paper but sometimes I don't feel so confident about my grammar so I wrote 'draft' on it and wrote a little note about my grammar. We got our papers back last week and guess what!!      I got an A!!!
So, I wanted to share my joy and I've added my paper with the comments my professor made are in caps. 


 
Blessings