beth0329

I have been busy. Nothing unusual there, I guess. My weekend was full. I headed home on Thursday and spent some time with the bestie and with my mom. On Friday I spent the day running some errands and got to have a face-to-face meeting with Marvin. He's a really nice guy. We met at Burger King and then he drove me over to the ministry houses. I'll just say it now...In about 12 days I will be at 512. It's a house on the west side of Modesto. There is a girl's house, 512 and a guy's house, 511. There is already 2 gals living in my house, neither of which are sold out for the urban ministry thing and then there's 2 guys in the other house. Devin is another not sold out person but Kevin is totally into the urban ministry aspect, has a heart for the poor and LOVES the kids in the neighborhood, which is really cool. Marvin also just told me some history about the house. My house actually has a basement that he wants to renovate, so that's really cool. There's a lot of room down there so we could do SO much stuff for the neighborhood. One of my goals in moving in is to begin helping to develop a similar model in Fresno in Modesto. So, it will be liking developing a Pink House in Modesto. I am really excited about it and also a little overwhelmed, but I think it's going to be amazing.

Then my uncle came into town on Saturday afternoon and got to come to my graduation party. It turned out soo great. Lots of folks ended up coming to the party. I just love spending time with people I love so it was soo good. Even Candy and Kim showed up which was really cool and totally unexpected. I will hopefully post pictures sometime in the near future. Then my uncle and I stole away while my mom and a couple friends cleaned up and went and had coffee. It was soo nice just being able to spend time with my uncle, just me and him. It made up for not having my dad there a little bit. Then my mom and I dragged my uncle to another graduation party, it was for Charlie, Rosanna's little sister. She graduation from high school. We had a lot of fun. It's kinda nice when you're not the star of the party and can just sit there and enjoy yourself, instead of getting up and down and talking to everyone. We all enjoyed ourselves. Then that night my uncle just spent the night at my house so we all just sat in the living room telling stories and laughing...a lot. I don't think I laughed so much over the weekend as I did with my uncle. It was so much fun.

On Sunday I ditched church and my uncle and I drove up to the mountains. Really it wasn't to go anywhere, just to be together. We pigged out at Applebee's and laughed a whole lot, got lost and found our way again with his GPS. It was so much fun. He headed back to Oklahoma on Monday morning and that day I met up with Kevin at 512 and got to know him a little better. He also took me to Tapestry, the high school group connected with YFC. And I also spent some time with Candy that night. It was a long day but pretty productive.

Now I'm back in Fresno for my last 2 weeks before moving back to Modesto. Last night was our last official Pink House meeting. Next Tues. will just be a celebration party and then people will begin moving out :(   I am really going to miss this place, this house and these people. I know I am going to be super busy right after moving out so I probably won't mind too much but I know there will be some point in the near future when I will grieve leaving. It may very well be the same day I move out. God did a whole lot in me in the past 10 months being here. But, I will leave that for a later post.

I should get off here and stop myself before I start down memory lane.

Shalom

Wow, so Rosanna is actually going to go to Jeff's court date...you know, because it'll be soo hard to wait around to find out the verdict. Maybe this sounds bad but I just don't know when this will be over. Will she start getting over this after he goes to jail? Once he gets out? I just feel like this will never be over. I really hope she comes to this conclusion on her own because I don't feel like I can tell her this right now but God is sovereign. God knows us so much better than we even know ourselves and (my opinion here) I believe that God knew Rosanna was never going to get enough gumption to break up with Jeff and God has such better plans for both Jeff and Rosanna. I just keep praying that both JD and Jeff are being turned towards Jesus even as they sit in their jail cells or wherever they're kept. I pray that JD remembers Easter Sunday when he got baptized and he was soo joyful. I pray that Jeff remembers his 2 boys and his little girl and how much they need their dad. And that those things would direct them to the only God who can save them from their feelings of destruction, depression, rejection, shame, bitterness, anger, hate.

God, comfort those who mourn.

I have had a GREAT weekend. Thursday was the last day of classes so that made the weekend great just because of that. Really, now that I sit here and think about the weekend there was several things that could have turned the weekend really sour but I just really had a lot of joy, despite it. But, let me explain...

So, on Thurs. night I ended up on Facebook while Rosie was there and we got to talking. I don't know if I already talked about this but Rosie was planning on breaking up with Jeff, about 3 weeks ago or so...but she kept stalling...for lots of reasons that I really don't want to go into at the moment. So, fast forward. Thursday night. I start asking questions to see if she has broken up with him yet and she says that she can't really tell me why but there's something going on with Jeff and she promised Pastor Chuck (PC) that she wouldn't gossip about it. While she is telling me this Amanda messages me and asks if Rosie is okay, because she was at church that night, crying while praying at the altar. So, at this point I'm thinking; What the heck is going on?? Not even remotely sure of what could be the problem. But I reassure Amanda that it's none of her business and she should just pray and tell Rosanna to feel free to call me whenever she needs to talk about anything...Friday morning; I get out of the PCC and Rosie has called twice, I call her back and find out that Jeff and another guy from our church are in jail. This article tells all.
http://www.modbee.com/local/story/713453.html?pageNum=2&mi_pluck_action=page_nav#Comments_Container 

Of course, Rosanna is a mess so she ended up coming to visit me on Saturday night and spent the night. It was a really great visit. Saturday I hung out with Amy and just relaxed, then Rosanna got to Fresno around 6 and we spent a couple of hours catching up in my living room; not a whole lot about the Jeff thing, but it was interspersed in there. Then went to Chilis for dinner, then came home by 10 and spent the rest of the night on my balcony. It was really nice because about 2 hours into our convo Sara K (next august's PH intern), George and Art joined us and we had great conversation till 2 in the morning. Rosie didn't feel like she should ditch out on church so we woke up around 7 and had breakfast together and then she headed off to Modesto. Unfortunately, she really wanted to talk with Jeff and hear from him why he did what he did and about 15 mins after she left she ended up calling me telling me she had missed his phone call. So, as of last night she still hadn't heard back from him but I'm praying she doesn't. His court date is on the 28th...Please pray for Jeff, JD, Rosanna and all family and friends who are involved.

After Rosie left I didn't want to go back to bed and it was such a beautiful day that I ended up putting on some work out clothes and my tennis shoes and did a power walk around the neighborhood and then spent a good while taking a shower and getting pretty for church, while listening to some great worship music. Got to walk over to First Pres (the church across the street from the PH) with Amy and heard a great sermon based on a very short passage, Matthew 19:13-15. Good stuff.

Then had a great lunch while watching TV, ran some errands with Amy and had dinner with her. Then enjoyed some time on her porch. It was just really good. And then today I actually did another power walk in the morning and got some stuff done. And went and say 'I love you, Man' with Amy at the $3 Theatre...Can I just tell you that the $3 theatre is amazing! $3!! for any movie that's there! Beautiful. And the movie was super cute. Lots of cussing, sadly. But good film.

And now I am telling myself that I need to be in bed. I am getting certified in CPR tomorrow morning, 8-4. It's going to be quite a long day, but I'm excited. It should be fun.

Good night all.

I can't believe it's already April. This year is seriously going by way too fast. At the end of May I'll be graduating and then only a few more weeks after that I'll be moving out of the Pink House. Crazy. And then today was a flurry of future excitement. I heard from Andrew Marin, as I mentioned in my last post and then I met with Nick Jones from CareFresno this afternoon. There's an apartment in South East, the same apartments I've been interested in, that CareFresno has spoke to and their opening up a 2 bedroom, 2 bath apartment free to anyone who wants to do ministry there. I am so STOKED! God is soo good. I seriously have been meaning to look into this since October but continually put it off and instead of just leaving me in the dust, God just takes up the mantle and insures that I do His will. He seriously blows my mind! Now I am just really going to be praying about the folks at my church and their willingness to join me in this venture. Nick said that it would be good to have 2-3 volunteers each day of the week that I do the after school program. That seems like quite a few people and lots of commitment! Please join me in pray.

Oh, and guess what else! I may get paid to do this! CareFresno is partnering with AmeriCorp; I sadly am not completely understanding the program but it consists of the church investing money into Americorp and then them investing into a leader, that would be me! to learn under CareFresno and minister at the apartments. But, that is ultimately up to my church since their the ones who would be investing the money. A part of me doesn't think they'll do it because we're low on finances right now, but we shall see.

On Sunday morning I'm off to Catalina to study the book of Amos. Five folks from the PH will be there! That should be really fun. And it's just going to be really nice to get away again for a whole week. Away from the computer, cell phone, school, responsibilities and just be able to enjoy nature, friends and time much needed with God. Can't wait.

Oh yea, and my birthday was great. I'm so glad I was able to go up north. I think if I would have stayed in Modesto I would have been sorely disappointed, those folks didn't represent very well at all. Thankfully I got a phone call from Rosanna on the day of and some facebook messages but that's about it. But while up North I think I just really got some lovin that I needed. My mom and I arrived on Fri. night and just talked a little with Papa and Shelley and then went to bed. On Sat. we just chilled in the morning. I went on a short bike ride with papa and Albert, then my mom, Shelley, grandma and I went to a baby shower and that was fun. Then that night got to just enjoy spending time with the family watching a cute Disney film. And then woke up on my birthday to my most favorite breakfast made by Shelley; ham and potato casserole, plus homemade gravy and biscuits! Mmmmm. So delicious. And then had all the folks at church sing Happy Birthday to me and 2 others who had their birthdays near mine...then after church we invited everyone to one of my favorite restaurants in Redding, a Chinese buffet. Lots of people ended up coming with us which was really good. I just love spending time with people. If I could I'd seriouslygather up everybody I care about and have us all live near one another. I got a few gifts; a cute mug from Marilyn, The women of the bible from Carol, some money from Nancy and Dwight, a gift card from Borders from my mama, money from grandma and grandpa and then 2 books and a picture frame from papa and Shelley, plus some amazing cards full of love. It was just a great birthday weekend with the people I truly care about the most (not to say I don't care about people outside of Northern CA, but these folks hold a really special place in my heart).

Okay, well I've rambled on for quite awhile and it's already 1 in the morning. So, i'm off to bed. Goodnight y'all.

Blessings.

I can't believe it's already at the end of March! Just this weekend I realized there's only a week till my birthday, that's crazy. My mom texted me this afternoon and asked for a birthday day...she was going to buy me a bike rack but once I totaled my car that wasn't an option anymore :( which I'm almost more bummed about not getting the bike rack than totaling my car. But, anyways I think I've decided not to ask for anything, but instead ask that any money she would have spent on me...for a bike rack or anything else, would be saved for a trip this summer. I am still praying and talking to some folks but I think I may go to Chicago to visit Andrew Marin at The Marin Foundation http://themarinfoundation.org/index001.htm
He builds bridges between the gay community and the church, not be forcing change in either community, "but rather pushes the outer limits of comfort to foster true spiritual and religious growth." I first heard Andrew at CCDA in a seminar about building bridges and actually spent some time talking one-on-one with him, then once I got home I found him on facebook and began reading his blog. I really appreciate what he tries to foster and his views are refreshing and interest me. So, I've already facedbook'ed him a couple of times and emailed him...I also have a number and I'm not afraid to use it! :) But, I'll wait a few days to see if he contacts me.
Let's see...what else has been goin on...This weekend was the mini-CCDA. We had two speakers come in for 2 days to talk with us about urban ministry. Glen Kehrein, from Chicago and Craig Wong from S.F. They spoke on the biblical basis of community development and transformational leadership. It was good. It was also nice just seeing how far we've come in transforming our city.
Amy and I left the session right after lunch on Saturday. I had to work on an on-line exam, which sucked but once I finished that I hopped on my bike. It was a super beautiful day! I rode all over down town and did some praying, just enjoying the beautiful weather and then I stopped at the park near the FAX depot. I found myself a bench and pulled out the great book that I've mentioned I'm reading. I can't wait to write down some of my thoughts once I'm finished with it on here. Then I headed back to the house and decided that I really wanted to go to the Revue, but didn't really want to go alone. Unfortunately the first couple of people I called weren't answering but I ended up going with Nancy and it was good. She was able to tell me about the part of the session that I missed and Noemi joined us later and we all chatted. Once we got back onto our bikes the beautiful weather had turned ominous, dark sky and cold wind.
But, it just sprinkled a little, which was good because at 8pm everyone met at the Pink House for Roof-Tops. I'll try to explain what RT is, but if you don't get it then don't worry about it. So, I'll explain it the way that Ivan (one of the main guys who thought the idea up) explained it to me. There's three churches, A B and C. Let's say that A church is upper class, B is middle and C is lower. Young people (there could be older people as well, but let's face it the old people aren't going to be as willing to get out of their well-established boxes) begin going to RT, which is a concept. Instead of staying inside the 4 walls of a church, where there's probably community and people you'd call friends, but then once you leave that place you probably aren't really friends, in the sense that you're not calling one another to spend time together or anything. But, with Roof-tops we're trying to bring together people outside of the church but not to organize another church but instead to go back to your church and spread that kind of community and love amongst the people there. I can't really tell you what a normal RT night is like, they really allow the Spirit to move. My first time was last night. We had dinner at this chinese hole in the wall restaurant. We all put in $5 and the lady ended up with over $200 dollars and we had plenty of food...which was a great segue way into the talk on re-distrubution. Carlanda also shared some negro spirituals and their true meaning at the time they were written. It was great! And my friend Terron showed up which was pretty cool too.
Today was average. Went to church this morning, got a nice little nap in, cleaned up my room finally. yay! And went to re-locator's potluck tonight, plus ran a couple errands. And now back into the week!
Alright, it's taken me long enough to just write this...time for bed!

It has been the most beautiful day! The weather was just perfect. Nice and sunny but still perfectly windy. The kind of weather that makes you just want to walk everywhere and enjoy it to the fullest. So, that's what Amy and I tried to do. We left around 10am. We dropped off the bread from Panera's that we picked up last night at the World Impact Center and then dropped off a letter to the post office. We went to the movie theater and pre-purchased our tickets for "He's not that into you" then headed off for pizza at Me N' Eds! Sooo good.

After lunch we headed back to RiverPark, which is a big shopping center in North Fresno, with all sorts of shops, book stores, restaurants and our theater. We stopped at Target first to get some goodies for the movie because the theater rips you off then Amy wanted to go to Claire's (a jewelry store). We had actually been there before together. I've always liked the store but lately I've really been addicted, thankfully I came out with only 1 thing and I just couldn't resist. They're turtle earrings!

Then we headed across the street to Victoria's Secret in hopes of getting some lotion for Amy but we're too indecisive so we finally left there and headed to the movie. "He's not that into you" was soo good. More substance than I thought it would have.


This trailer is a good look at what the movie was about. I may have been off put by it had I known so many well-known actor(ess) were going to be in it but they did a great job. It's that kind of movie where they tell different people's lives stories but they actually are all joined in some way. Love it! It prompted some good conversation between Amy and I, although we both want a man like Justin Long!

After the movie we headed over to Old Navy for flip flops and then to Food Maxx for grocery shopping. We got the stuff to make Rice Krispy treats for the kids in Amy's class at church. So, first we dropped off food at my place and then went to make the treats at Amy's..got distracted with music and then headed off for AppleBee's for appetizers and drinks. Amy hasn't drank as much liquor as she has since being my friend...the first time I can say I've truly been a bad influence :) hehe. She got a long island iced tea, which was a really bad choice for someone who, like me, doesn't really like the taste of alcohol. That thing was like 95% alcohol and perhaps 5% strawberry flavor so she felt really weird after drinking it. Not impaired in judgment maybe but just didn't feel like she could concentrate her eyes on anything. But, I got what I got last time she and I went...a Jamaica Freeze...so delicious! Coconut rum and melon liqueur. Mmmm.

And now I'm finally home! Although it's only 10.30 but it's been quite a long, full day so I'm ready to get in the shower and then into bed with a good book...

Speaking about books, I finished another one. I actually finished it a couple weeks ago but wanted to talk a little bit about it.

Porn Nation. 207 pages
It was a very interesting and enlightening read. I guess it was written in a Christian perspective but it's not like he throws God in your face, instead he just tells his own experience in the context of his own faith.
Some of the more interesting quotes that caught my eye were on the statistics. "The average age of first exposure to commericial pornography is somewhere between 11 and 14. But with one in four children in nursery school (ages 3, 4, and 5) going online, that average age is sure to drop" (Leahy, 114). And over 80% of teens age 15 to 17 have had multiple exposure to hard-core pornography. And something that probably should shock me, but definitely leaves a horribly bad taste in my mouth and definitely in my mind is that there is approximately (and probably more since the publishing of this book in 2008) 14,000 sexual images and messages that appear yearly on our television. I truly don't know if I can ever have a TV in my home once I have children and I hate the fact that I know some of the shows that I watch, when I actually watch TV are unmistakably one of the 14,000 sexual images and message that I see.
I also found it interesting that in a section of the book that Leahy titled "Growing up in Porn Nation" he says that, "adolescents are aggressively redefining what sex and intimacy are. One area that clearly illustrates this "shift" of the line of sexual normalcy is oral sex. For example, with more than half of 15 to 19 year-olds reporting they're having oral sex, the study reported teens viewing it so casually they feel it needn't even occur within the confines of a relationship" (123) Are you kidding me?!?! Oral sex is no longer a sexual activity?
One statement that Leahy found that helped him to think about while dealing with his addiction to porn (and probably a continuing source to look back on) is, "What you feed grows, and what you starve dies." We've all lied. And once you lie (and want that lie to continue) you must feed it. Most likely you have to cover that lie with another and another. But, if you stop lying, stop feeding that lie and starve it, then the lie dies. He uses this same analogy with a sexual addiction. If you continue to feed that addiction, look at porn, masturbate, lust after others, etc then that need grows and grows but if you abstain from those things that feed that desire then it will die.
This book was really good. And I am proud of this man for stepping out and being vulnerable and transparent enough to write this. Thanks Michael Leahy.

Oh, and about my role play. It went really well. The lady who "tested" me thought I did well. I felt pretty comfortable but I think I'll feel more comfortable once I shadow someone in the counseling room...and then am observed.

Alright, bed time.

Blessings

I feel like I have to update even though I really don't have the time to really write a good post. But, I am off to the mountains with the ladies from my church. I think it's going to be really good, if not for anything else but just getting away and spending some time in prayer and the Word. I am really going to lay some things down like where God wants me exactly after the Pink House and about my work and school situation, loans, all that good stuff.

Amy and I attended the Bridge last night to hear my boss from ESA speak. Alan Doswald is the amazing, radical, Christ-follower. He's seriously my here-on-Earth hero. He's done soo many exciting and radical things. And something he said last night really affected me. It should be uncommon to see a Christian who doesn't look like Christ and very normal to see Christians who DO look like Christ. I know to the couple of Christians who read this blog that seems kinda silly maybe...but there's soo many people who say they follow Jesus but their lives are no different from the rest of the world. I'll write more on this when I get home from this weekend.

I hope everyone has a very blessed and amazing weekend!

And, it's my first weigh-in on Monday. I must admit that I've been stepping on the scale sometimes after my work out class in the gym so I think it'll be a good amount of weight loss, although I'm a little worried because I know when I go on retreats I eat more snack foods, so I'm going to try to hike a little and burn some calories! :)

Blessing y'all!

I am actually pretty excited about this Valentine's Day. Amy and I are going out tonight. We're going to eat, probably Applebees or something and then off to see the Vagina Monologues, which I am super stoked about. I've heard about them for a long time and heard how hilarious they are but this will be the first time actually getting to see it. But, I really don't feel too bad at all that's it's Valentine's Day, maybe it's because I'm not living on campus where you have to watch couples everywhere you go and here at the house I have 1 roommate with a boyfriend here in town but they left this morning and my other roommate is leaving town to see her boyfriend, plus I went out with several people from the house for breakfast this morning so I guess that's padded the day for me and I feel good :)

And then I'll be headed home. I am hoping that I'll get to visit with Candy for a little bit once I get into Modesto. It doesn't seem like we've talked much lately and that's probably my fault. I've just been really busy. I know she commented that she wanted to talk over a week ago and then I never called her, so I hope this isn't the one night that she goes to bed early. And then this will be my first time seeing Rosanna since this whole Jeff-relationship thing, so that should be interesting.

Oh, my friend Josh is in the hospital :( He goes to concerts a lot and I guess he tried breaking up a fight last night and got hit. I don't know if he passed out or not but he was rushed to the hospital and they think he may have a broken jaw :( Please pray for him! I'll be visiting him on Sun. afternoon.

I think that's all for now.

Blessings

I cannot wait till this weekend. It is going to be soo much fun. This is one of the first times I've really looked forward to Valentine's Day, but really it's not the day I'm looking forward to for it's 'significance' as Valentine's Day, but what I get to do on the day. On Friday, all the girls in the pink house are going to T.G.I Fridays. It'll be a late night because Carlanda and I don't give off work till past 11, but it should be a lot of fun to just hang out outside of the house. Then on Saturday night Amy and I are going to dress up and go out to eat. I'm thinking we'll probably go to AppleBees or something similar and then we're going to see the Vagina Monologues. I've heard about the play but I've never gotten to see it and I think it's completely fitting to see it on Valentine's Day!

I have been soo blessed by Amy's friendship. We are so similar that it's a little creepy. And we're still at that stage where one of us will be talking and the other nods in agreement and we once again find something that we share. It's fun. I'm not really sure if I've mentioned how I met her. She lives in my neighborhood, Lowell. She lives with the Skibbies, (daddy Steve, mama Sheilla, little Katie, baby Weston) who are relocators to Lowell. She came from Kentucky as a missionary here. She moved in last summer and began going to Bethany Inner-city church which is just across the street from the PH and she does food ministry on Tuesdays, plus baby-sits the 2 Skibbie kids during the day, Mon-Fri. which means she doesn't have a lot of friends her own age (she's turning 24 in June). It's kind of blurry how we met exactly. I know we met a couple different times. When I helped Steve interpet for the deaf family down the street was probably the official 'first meeting' and then I remember seeing her again at Nate and Esthers but we never really hit it off or anything and then somehow I became her friend on facebook but I'm not sure how exactly because I think I remember talking to her before adding her and then I ended up talking with her at Bethany inner-city church because I went with Esther and we commented that we should hang out soon so I facebook'ed her and we ended up spending almost all day on a Friday together and that was about 3 weeks ago. Since then we've seen each other every weekend and have decided to begin a bible study together. Like she said last night, God is doing something special (and crazy, I added) in us and it's cool that we get to do it together. We'll be studying the book of Genesis since we both have had some background on dealing with women and their role in the church and in relationships. So, I am super excited!!! Yay for new friends.

Also, this coming weekend I will finally get to go home! I haven't seen my mom in over a month which is really long for my mom and I. I think she's really missing me too so I am going to do my best to spend 1-on-1 time with her but unfortunately I am only there for 2 days. I'll be leaving town after Amy and I are finished hangin out and then I'll leave on Monday night. But, better than nothing. And I am getting a little nervous about finally seeing/talking with Rosanna. It is going to be soo weird if Jeff tries to sit with her when I'm there. I think I've decided to just let what happens, happens. If she makes a point of letting him be around then that's fine and if she wants to spend alone time with me then that's okay too. I am going to be talking to Pastor Chuck, as well. I'm really praying he takes this all seriously because I spoke with him on the phone last weekend and commented that I got ditched by Rosanna on-line for Jeff and he laughed and I, very seriously, commented that it wasn't good. So, I'm hoping he understands that this is personal for me and I am really concerned about this whole situation. Things like this really make me wonder if I should have kids because it will kill me to have to watch them make decisions that could hurt them.

I think that's all for now. I have a busy day ahead of me.

Blessings

Hello folks,

It's been another busy week in the life of Bethany. I am going to try my best to highlight the best parts of my week, starting off on Monday...

On Monday morning it was really nice. I was able to just chill, get my chores done and relax. Then that afternoon I volunteered at the PCC, which was good. And then off to the gym! I have decided, after reading an acquaintance's blog, that I am going to start My Own Biggest Loser. Every 3 weeks I will be reporting my weight on here as a sort of accountability to keep it up. I don't want to give up...or even worse, gain weight! in front of the whole LiveJournal blogging community and whoever else finds my blog. So, here goes:
Starting weight: 240.1
Next weigh-in: February 26th
Good luck to me.

On Tuesday I had school all day and had a  PH meeting. I may talk about that later.

Wednesday I worked my first full day at ESA Love INC. It went really well and I got to sit in on a meeting for Kathy called the City Builders Round Table meeting. It's where all the folks from the ministries in town come together at our office to discuss prayer requests and do some networking. Very cool. And I'm still training on the phones. My next day is next Monday and I may start coming half days on Fridays. 
I also hung out with Kathryn for about an hour and a half, went to Target with her and had dinner. She's having a rough time with her parents divorce and how her mother is coping so please pray for her. And then I headed to the gym and had to run my own errands after that. It was a long day.

Today I was going to wake up early to head to women's bible study in SouthEast but when I laid down at midnight I realized I'd only get to sleep for 5 hours so instead I slept for about 6.5 and didn't go to bible study and instead just rode my bike over to hang out with Amy for about an hour. She's beginning to be a really great friend, someone I think I really need right now. And then I rode over to the PCC for counseling training and got to hear all about abortion.
By the time we were done I got to ride my bike back to the house in the rain. It was fun. And then ate real quick and ran to school. My first class was cancelled which was nice because I turned in my graduation application and then got some reading done. Then I finished up my day of classes and headed home with Carlanda. After dinner I was going to run an errand but instead I ended up stopping at Esther's apartment and stayed and chatted at her place for several hours, which was really good.

And now it's Thursday night and bed time!

Blessings.

This could be a really long entry but it probably won't be because it's already midnight and I'm tired and probably won't be able to remember everything I want to talk about.

It's been a pretty good weekend. This is the first weekend I didn't work 40 hours in several weeks. I am not only working Saturdays and Sundays, 8-11am and 8-11pm. It's going okay. My client is fine but his wife is very non-talkative and always seems a little exasperated with me but whatever.

I had an amazing conversation on Friday with Randy White. He's a long time relocator here in the Lowell neighborhood (one of the 20 neighborhoods that is a pocket of poverty here in Fresno) and now he's working for Bakke Graduate University as a doctorate professor. We met to discuss what it would look like for me to get my masters there. It looks like I will be applying for a masters in global urban studies. I am really excited! It's a very unique program. The university, as in the building is in Seattle, Washington (I find God's knowing so amazing..I've always wanted to go to Seattle) but you don't have to live there and attend every day like a normal university. Instead I would fly there about 6 times in my first year for intensive weekend lessons and my second year will be 4 urban experiences in different ministries all across the country! And it would end with my thesis. I am seriously soo excited about this! I am really hoping that I get accepted. I'm going to be emailing the dean of academics of my masters and ask her more specific questions. I'll update all that info here later.

My friend Coco and baby Brayden are back at home now. But they aren't doing well financially. Her mom has decided to move off, I guess somewhere in northern CA and her sister is moving to SF for school and now she's in an apartment where she can't afford to live because she has no income right now. And she's been making appointments to recieve SSI but everytime she's had to re-schedule because Brayden has needed to be in the hospital and she has an appointment this Thursday...but she's supposed to be in Oakland to talk with a nuero-surgeon. So, I'm praying it all works out and she won't have to find a place to live soon, not with the baby still not at 100%.

Ok, I'm getting sleepy. I'll write more later.

Blessings

So, I have a few minutes that I don't really need to be doing anything that's really important so I'm going to take this opportunity to write down a few thoughts.

My 40 hour weekends are over! That's a definite plus. On Friday when I went to the office to get the house key for my client my boss said that she had already found someone to take my place and that I could work on Sat. and Sun. morning for the client I took care of last week for a couple of days. But, I am hoping to get the weekend off. My friend Coco had a baby about 2 months ago. He was born with Vater Syndrome which is a rare syndrome and there still not sure what causes it. After some research it appears to be genetic but many babies are born with Vaters from diabetic mothers. This syndrome is also know as Vacterl association and Vacterl is an acronym for V-vertebral anomalies A- anal atresia C-cardiovascular anomalies T-tracheoesophageal fistula E- esophageal atresia R-renal (kidney) anomalies. My friend's baby, Brayden suffers from cardiovascular anomalies, he has a hole in his heart, anal atresia, he was born without an anus. And he suffers from renal anomalies because his urninary plumbing isn't all correct so his urine backs up into his kidneys causing massive urinary tract infections. About 2 or 3 weeks ago I got to go and visit him for the very first time. He's a gorgeous little baby. He seemed really fine to me, he wasn't too tiny and he was really cute. He has a colostomy bag that is attached to his little side since he doesn't have an anus. Because he can't expel gas by himself his mom has to help him by letting the air out of his colostomy bag. It's quite ingenious. But, of course while I was there I got a picture of him so here is little baby BRAYDEN!
( Beautiful Baby Brayden )
And now this beautiful baby is dying. He is now non-responsive and it appears that there's some neurological issues going on. He and his family are at the Oakland hospital. Both his mom and grandma are not doing well. I spoke to Terri (his grandma) last night and she said, "I wish this would have never happened." I am praying that whatever happens (whether God heals him here on Earth or takes him home) that they will see His plan in this. He is a mighty God and it would be easy to blame Him for taking this baby out of this world but as I see it, it's a blessing. He had a lot of issues and would have spent many many months in hospitals...but I also know that if God decides to heal his little body right here on Earth, then He can do that too and Brayden will be able to do just fine going through surgeries (if need be).

I just hope I can make it home next weekend! For those of you who believe in the power of prayer- Please pray for this family!

Shalom.

Wow, it has been a very crazy past few days...and an even crazier past few hours! 

So, right now I'm in Modesto trying to pack and get ready to be up tomorrow morning at 4.30 to head to the airport and get there 2 hours early. I'll be on my plane at 9.15am and arriving in Oklahoma City, OK at 2.30pm. 

I went to Spirit West Coast with my friend Hilary. It was amazing. On Wednesday night once we got our tent up and all that jazz we saw Building 429 (awesome), Mission 6 (kiddie group, okay), Jonnie and Brookie (young teen girls, ick) and Brooke Barrettsmith (1 of the 40 finalists for American Idol, pretty good). And we also got to see Taylor Mason, a comedian. He was really really funny.

On Thursday we saw Building 429 at worship and heard from Jeremy Johnson, very very good word. Then we saw Needtobreathe and saw the last bit of Building 429's full concert. We also saw Natalie Grant. She was really good, especially when she started her show off by doing her latest single "I will not be moved." beautiful. Then we saw a bit of Leeland and heard David Nasser speak. The night ended with an amazing performance by Third Day!!

On Friday we started later in the morning. We listened to Al Menconi on entertainment which got us to thinking and then heard Dizmas and then Matthew West, which was really good. And then got to hear Jars of Clay. Sadly I don't know much of there stuff so it wasn't so great but oh well. Then a pastor from Modesto spoke and told us his testimony which was really good and several people came to know Jesus that night (PRAISE!) and then I was a part of the most AMAZING concert ever!!! TOBY MAC!!!!! and the Diverse City Band!!!!! They were amazing!!!!!! Sooo GOOD!!!!

We were going to stay till Sunday morning but when we woke up on Saturday morning we were just both exhausted and by then I was getting really anxious about getting ready to see my dad so we drove home and Hilary's mom had an amazing lunch of burgers ready for us!! It was soo good and I got to watch Fool's Gold with them. It was cute for a chick flick.

Finally got back home and I thought I was going to pack up and head to Modesto that night but I just felt really overwhelmed with packing and my tummy wasn't settling well with the heat and food and nerves. Plus, Daniel really wanted me to stay another night to spend time with him and Amy. So, I ended up staying another night and watching some 24 with them and packing up. I woke up early this morning and finished loading my car up, said bye to the roomies and then headed for Modesto. I got here in time to go to church and say bye to my church family. It was really cool because a lot of them have been praying for my dad and I for a very long time. And my pastor Chuck even took my mom and I aside and prayed for my trip. And for my mom too, because although she's happy about me getting to meet my dad she's still feeling a bit of jealousy and all the normal things that a mom might feel when her daughter meets her father (several hundred miles away) who she hasn't seen in 19 years. 

And I got to have lunch with Rosie and then have a really great personal convo with her once we were alone. And now I'm back at home and should be packing right now, not typing all this out! But I wanted to update before I leave because most likely I won't have internet access while I'm in OK. 

Okay, I'd better get going now. I can't believe this is finally happening. 

Blessings

I'm feeling strange...not health-wise, just emotionally, I guess. I don't know.

I didn't want to go to work this morning but of course, I did. It was an okay morning. I think she's finally warming up to me. I don't think she really liked me at first but she's sorta talking to me more now and let's me sit down and chat with her a little. She even used me for almost the whole time. I don't know if I've mentioned it but for the first 2 days I worked for her she only used me an hour and a half out of the 3 hours she has me. But yesterday I was there the whole time and then today, I left around 12.30 but I was kinda glad for that. Once I got home Amy was here and I had lunch and we watched the latest episode of The Bachelorette. Ryan ended up texting me on the way home so at least I got some smiles in there. It's good when friends seem to know when you need to just hear from them.

I think that the weekend home was so good that I really want to be back home again. I'd really love to go home for the 4th of July but with money being so tight I don't know if I can. Amanda said that she really wants me to come home because it's Tom's birthday and I'm like another daughter. She seemed like she might help me out even though I hate to ask her for help because they really need the money right now and they don't need to be giving it away. But we'll see.

And Rosie and I made a decision on Sunday night. We've decided we're going to be friends with Chris, despite what his mother thinks about any budding romances. Amanda is a long-time family friend of mine, plus her husband, Tom and 4 kids; Chris, Nathan, Cassie and Tommy. I've known these folks since I was at least 11 and I believe from day one Amanda has had dreams of Chris and I dating, falling in love and getting married but it's just never happened. We've only gone out once and that was for his junior prom and it wasn't that great, definitely no sparks. And sometimes I wonder if he really likes me or if it's just his mom putting all this un-due pressure on the poor guy. But anyways, when I didn't show any prospect Amanda decided to go through all the single women in our church (which isn't many) and see if any of them would date him. She's like the mom who nags her son to get married and tries to set him up with every eligible single girl she knows. Anyways, because he lives out in the boonies (they're farm people) he just doesn't have much of his own life and he's grown up taking care of his brothers and sisters. So, Rosie and I decided that we really want to be-friend him and see him more often than just on Sundays when he's there and comes out to lunch with all of us, his family and our family included. It's not like Rosie and I "go out" a lot but when we head over to Dennys on a Friday we'll call him up. I hope he really tries to come and that Amanda doesn't give him a hard time about it. I love her to death but sometimes she can be a bit stifling.

Okay, I don't think I have anything else to say. Hope y'all are doing great!

Blessings

 It's been a good day. Well...besides waking up at like 7 in the morning super hot! And, of course I couldn't fall back asleep. For some reason I just haven't been sleeping very well lately. At first I thought it was because of my client and me having to call 911, and then I was thinking it was because I had all this stuff on my mind about Mark and my mom but that seems to be wrapping up quite nicely, meaning that at least my mom has told me that I have her okay to leave if God so wills and that she's not completely and utterly against Mark and I. So, I guess I'm either still thinking about it and sub-consciously worried about it or because of my work schedule lately and having to be up early I've just gotten myself into that custom of getting up early and my body doesn't know the difference between the weekends and work days. 

But, anyways the day was good despite that. In the morning I did some cleaning in my room. I'm still trying to simplify my stuff but it's still hard when my mom gives me a hard time about giving anything away and especially when I say stuff like wanting a truck to come in and pick up all my stuff and take it away. But I was still able to get a little bit done. 

Tangent moment: Lately I've really been wanting a new dress..nothing fancy just a fun summer dress. And yesterday when Rosie and I went to the mall I found a really cute one, that was 50% off...but that still left it at almost $30 so I talked myself out of buying it. But I was going through my closet trying to get rid of clothes I never wear and found a jean dress and was trying it out and made mention that I really wanted some cute dress up shoes...

So, my mom and I ended up going to Payless and I got a super cute pair of heels and a pair of tennis shoes. I'm not much of a heels girl, they make me nervous to walk on and I'm already so tall that I don't need them...but I guess you'd call them a "wedge" and I walked around a little bit in them and didn't fall, so that's a plus :)

Then my mom had her shift in my church's firework's booth at 12 so we hung out there with my pastor. It was soo much fun. I love my pastor and he really loves me too. We just make each other crack up. We pretty much spent the whole time just making jokes and then talking about really great topics like the church and God's plan for the church. And then Mark called me while I was there so I got to talk to him for a few minutes. Then my mom and I ended up coming home and having more enchiladas and watching So you think you can dance all night. 

And I got to talk to Mark again so it was just a great day. I think tomorrow will be great too...church, family sunday which means lunch at church after services, hang out with Rosie at the fireworks booth and then mexican food for dinner! YES.

Oh yeah, and I have to jot down this memory because I don't want to forget it. I really want to be able to shake my butt like those crazy hip hop girls can do. So, my mom and I were talking about it when we showed up at the booth and I ended up asking PC (Pastor Chuck) if he could do it and I don't know if he or I started it but the rest of the day we joked about my "booty shake"skills and he confessed to being called "white chocolate" in highschool and I said that made me Almond. You probably had to be there to think it was hilarious but just trust me, it was. Good times

Blessings.

Lots to talk about, of course. I am trying to make a commitment to writing on here at least twice a week and now with my new work schedule that might work...or I'll be too tired to actually sit down and write stuff down. My new client, David needs 24 hour care so I'll be there Wed. morning through Sun. morning. It's actually kind of exhausting being there for so long. I started on Sun. (3 days ago) and was there from about 10 in the morning till Mon. morning around 11 but because of the schedule I want, my office had the other guy come in and he'll be there till Wed. morning when I go back. I'll leave all the details out right now about David, maybe I'll tell you more next Monday.

I had the oddest/scariest dream on Friday night, I think. My house had been burglarized, which isn't really any big deal because I don't live in  a neighborhood where burglary doesn't happen too often. But then I was driving home from a night client and I drive past this ominous looking car and they've written something to extent that they want to hurt ME, personally and I get this horrible feeling that they're the ones who stole from my house and they're coming back to hurt me. And then I got home and was in hysterics and all these folks are at my house trying to help Daniel and Amy clean up and make it look like a real house again. It was just soo real-feeling. I hate those. I woke up several times that morning, just trying to convince myself that it wasn't real. Weird.

Once again, I've saved this as a draft and am now beginning it again. So, I started this entry this morning before my day even began...and now that it's 11.04pm I can say that it has been a very very emotional day!

The beginning was really great. I got to sleep in till about 9.30 or so and then got to watch some TV with Amy. Then I got to have lunch with Joyce (my first client, Helen's daughter) at the Cheesecake Factory. It was GREAT conversation. We seriously talked about anything and everything. So here's the perfect time for my segue way...

Last night Mark and I were talking and he was mentioning the fact that he always dates women who are codependent and then he told me about how he found out about what codependency is and then said that I should look it up, online. So, naturally I asked if he thought I was codependent (not really exactly sure of what it was myself) and he said that he didn't say that and he wanted me to look it up and then email him my thoughts. I didn't end up getting to look it up till almost midnight and then emailed him that if I ever went to a therapist she'd probably say I'm codependent. If you'd like, y'all can look it up but here's a small paragraph to read if you're interested;

I don't really want to type out every single conversation I had today about this but I'm really starting to realize that I see my mom as this person to take care of, just as my mom saw her mom as that, and my grandma saw her parents as that. It's just this generational cycle of un-fulfilled lives. And most likely if you're reading this and really care anything about me or have any ties to me then I've already talked to you about this, but this is just me wanting to document my self-realizations. So, we'll see what happens. Once I have another day to think about it all then I'll write some more.

I'm really tired now and work is tomorrow. So, no more updates till Sunday probably. Oh yea, and God is amazing. I seriously cried a lot today and by the time I was almost home and all cried out Rosie calls me and was just an amazing listener and encourager. So, thank you Jesus for your perfect timing!

Blessings

I've really been wanting to write because I have stuff to say but now that I've waited so long I'll probably forget some stuff or get tired of writing and quit before I've said all that I want to say. But, let's see how it goes...

So, last week I wrote that I didn't think I'd find out anything about a job till this week. Or maybe I didn't...but anyways I thought I'd know about the Senior Helpers job by Thursday well then I called and she said not till next week. I talked to Mark and he reminded me that I want what God wants for me and not just some job. So, I spent Thursday praying and I decided to go to another senior care place to get an application but for some reason I didn't end up filling it out and I had decided to go home Thursday night to spend some time with Candy before she leaves for Japan. And I was praying that I'd have a job by this week and then I probably wouldn't be able to be so flexible with my schedule. So, anyways on Friday I was at Candy's visiting with her parents before we left and I get this call from Senior Helpers with a job offer! God is soo good!! Even when his kids are impatient!

My first day was today! I work 7 days a week, 8-10pm (I'll talk about my mom's response to this later in the blog). The lady I'm serving, Helen, is well into her 90s. I found out after I met her daughter and son-in-law that she has a terminal illness. I think I realized tonight how much this job is going to affect me. I almost cried when I watched her husband interact with her. He's very spry, although he's probably just as old as she is. But he's spunky and I think he's probably been taking care of her up until now and is realizing he can't do anything else and that eventually he's going to lose her. I can only imagine what that must feel like, especially for a couple who's probably been together well over 50 years. Even the way he touches her is still loving and sweet. Like I mentioned the daughter was there and you could tell right away that she treats them both like children. When I got there she was sharing pictures on her lap top. She and her husband just moved to Nevada in the past few months and I think once they got the news that her mom had cancer they came to help plans care arrangements and all that. And Helen's husband confessed to me that he thought she was enjoying it more than they were :)  He's super cute. And even the tone of her voice was very...I don't know how to describe it. I just wanted to tell her that they're still grown adults and deserve to be treated as such. And she really wanted her dad to stop working so hard around the house. Even while I was there he was up emptying the trash, running the dishwasher, etc. and I just thought, that's how he's getting through this. He needs to keep busy because if he doesn't all he'll have to do is sit and think about the pain his wife is going through dying with a disease/illness that he doesn't understand and can't fix. I think this job is going to be really emotionally draining but I really hope to encourage these folks, even if it's just cleaning up their house or helping to put Helen to bed. Please pray for this family.

On Sunday my friend Roxie came into town so I left Modesto by 1 and I called Mark on my drive down. It was our first long phone conversation, it lasted almost as long as it took me to drive to Fresno- an hour and 45 minutes. I was wondering if we'd ever have conversations longer than a few minutes and lo and behold, we did. It was really good, although parts of it were harder for me to hear than other parts. We talked about lots of different things but 1 thing that really hit me hard was when he told me that I have insecurities and that really it's not that I'm a people pleaser (I was telling him that I don't like letting people down so I try to make them all happy by not doing anything that'll upset anyone- like my mom or friends) but that I don't trust myself to make my own decisions so I let others do it for me and that is really hard for God to use me when I'm like that. I knew he was right so that's what made it hard to hear. I could have made up some dumb excuse or tried to argue but deep down I know that is the real issue. He asked what I'm doing about it and I know I've definitely made progress since I was in high school and I did accept a 7 days a week job and I am going to live in a pink house for a year doing urban ministry and I'm working with old people instead of substituting teaching that would pay $100 a day.

Which brings me to my mom...I was seriously soo frustrated at her Saturday morning. My church ladies are having a big yard sale next weekend and all the proceeds go to missions so I wanted to get some stuff together to send with my mom. Well, she starts freaking out saying that I'm getting rid of all these memories but that "it's your stuff. do whatever you want with it." I had told her that I just really want to get rid of all my material possessions. I mean, I don't want to get rid of EVERYTHING. But come on, I do not need stuffed toys from my birth or figurines that just collect dust. I want to live simply and I can't do that with a bunch of crap. Anyways, at one point she goes, "well you need to tell people who buy you things that you just want useful stuff." and I go, "well, yea they should know that." and she goes, " you know, people don't know you as well as you think (and then the real clincher) I don't even think I know you sometimes." Hello, Guilt Trip! Ironically enough I heard a message this morning on the radio that I soo wished my mom could have heard, all about letting your kids go and that they won't leave you forever. The pastor also helped me to realize something...when the kids finally leave the nest parents are mourning a loss of a relationship. Of course, their new relationship, one that involves some distance and less every day encounters, may be a good one and even better but the old relationship is still going to be felt as a loss and I think that maybe my mom is going through that. She liked what we used to have and me being away means I'm making a life for myself that doesn't involve her participation 24/7. So, please pray for us.

Ok, I think that's enough for now. I'm exhausted.

Blessings

This weekend was really good! My mom came down on Thursday night. We had a state associational meeting at the Christian College on Thurs. night till Friday night and my mom was one of the delegates, which means she gets to vote and be a representative from our church and our specific association. So, she came to my house first and picked me up then we headed over to CCC. Thursday night was just a guest speaker and then kind of a lay out of what was supposed to happen the next day in the business meeting. I decided that since I couldn't vote and I also really wanted to sleep in since my mom, me and Michael (my other roomate) stayed up late watching "Live free and die hard." So, anyways I made it to the church around 10.30-ish I believe and the meeting had started at 8 but I made it just as the new business was beginning and boy did I come in at just the right time. For the next 2 hours (and probably a few minutes over) they discussed whether they should fire one of the men my church in particular, and many others, really love. Randy Williams is the director of ministries and has been in his position for about 5 years or so. He's a man of God and loves the Free Will Baptist association. As long as I've known him he's always traveled CA visiting the different associations and speaking at their meetings, churches and get-togethers. He encourages them to fellowship with one another and get more acquainted with the other FWB churches in CA. He also puts together a magazine by FWB. Last year he got cancer and even at his worst was still trying to do his job. But some big-wigs on the state board want him gone and they wanted to "vacate" the present director of ministries, in other words they wanted to fire Randy Williams. So, there was a long drawn out discussion with those for it and those against it coming to the front of the church (mind you, all men) and saying their "peace." But I'm not going to try to type everything out that was said. It was just really sad and I ended up praying and crying through it all. And Randy still has his position although he told me and another lady from my church that they (being the board members who want him gone) said that if they didn't get him "vacated" then they'd make the next year (till the next meeting) Hell :(   Please pray for Randy and our leaders.

We didn't get out of that meeting till well after 1 and I hadn't had any breakfast and whenever my emotions are high I always get a headache but luckily all the folks from my church (there was 8 of us) went over to KFC and had lunch together. It was really good because I got to chat with Roy, who's one of my deacons and we just don't get to vist very often. And then we just hung out that afternoon at the college and heard the speaker again that night. On Saturday my mom and I did errand running from about 11 till 6. We went grocery shopping so I finally have some food in my cupboards :)   And I got a couple new shirts and a pair of capris. And just got to do errands with my mom. It was good.

This morning I got to take my mom to my new church...but my pastor and his wife weren't there because...THEY HAD THEIR BABY!! It's a boy and he was 8 pounds. I cannot wait to see him! But the service was still good and we had communion which I love. That's one thing I'd want to do at my wedding with my husband.

And then my mom and I came home and fixed mashed potatoes with chicken and dumplings. it's my favorite thing that my mom makes and it was the perfect day for it because it was cold and rainy. And I invited my friend Robert over and Michael was home so all 4 of us got to eat together. It was really good.

And now my mom is back at home and I'm just waiting for Daniel and Amy to come home. I think I'll give Mark a call. We've talked a few times now since my last blog about him. They've all been good. I don't know what's going to come out of this but we'll see.

I have a very HUGE praise report. I asked you all to pray for Mary in my last blog. Tuesday morning she had surgery to put in a heart catheter and she did very very well!! Praise be to our Almighty God!! The doctor had also thought she might have a bad valve but when they got in there all was fine and dandy! I'm so excited and happy. God is sooo good!

Last night I had my first introduction to the folks I'll be living with for 10 months! 4 people couldn't make it but I met George (I had actually met him before because he goes to City and is part of IV so he went to Catalina with us. He's pretty outspoken and has lived in inner city Fresno all of his life so I think he'll be able to give us a very personal reflection of what it's like to live in the inner city), Carlanda (she's african american and very pretty. She seems to enjoy her clothes and shoes a lot so that'll be interesting. It always makes me interested when people come in with such outward signs of materialism and how the teaching and hands on experience of living in the inner city and reading what God has to say about such things, will change her perspective), Allysa (she seems very much like me...plus she knows sign language. She's white and seems shy. She used to live in Ohio and now lives here and wants to impact the inner city kids she wants to teach. I'm excited about getting to know her better.) Stephanie (ironically she and I went on an urban plunge last semester together and lo and behold, she walks into the pink house! Plus, we're roommates!), Arturo (He's been all over the place and looks like your typical thug...baseball cap, long shirt, baggy pants but I think I'm really going to like him. Beth asked us what we're expecting from our 10 months in the PH and he said that he knows this is going to be really hard on him and that he had REALLY prayed for discernment about his decision to join and that now that he's here he's getting nervous. He seemed very real and transparent. I like that). That's all of the ones that could make it. There's also 2 more girls and then a married couple, as well.

I left the meeting feeling very overwhelmed but still very excited about what God has in store for us.

Moving on to another subject. I talked with Mark (my friend I've mentioned a couple of times) today. Last weekend I went to visit friends in the hills and while coming back to Fresno I felt God just bringing Mark to mind so I prayed for him and his boys (he has 2 boys. I can't remember their exact ages but they're both under 13) and then I texted Mark to let him know I was thinkin about him. That doesn't seem like a big deal but it really was. We've been talking at least for 4 years now online but I've never texted him, let alone called him on the phone. He's wanted to but I've just never felt comfortable enough. So, today we were talking on-line and he mentioned it and said that he wasn't expecting it. The conversation then transitioned to talking about our relationship and it ended up him telling me that I can't be loved if I won't accept the offer of love given to me. Sometimes I hate when God uses other people to point out some things that need to be dealt with.

I think I'm a really loving person and a very un-conditonally loving person. I just really love people and I'm the type of person who could meet you once and care about you for forever. I remember this guy who started coming to our church. His name was Jay and I found out his story later but he had 2 teenagers and he and his wife were separated. He didn't want a divorce but I think she had some mental issues. Anyways, I would start conversations with him at church and soon I was asking him to play his guitar for me during a teen revival. He ended up leaving our church but I truly loved him and there's been a lot of instances of that. Just like my friends up north...people are amazed that 1 week after I met them I was back up there to perform at a funeral for one of the men of the church. I'm just like that. But it's not so easy for me in relationships between me and someone who could eventually be my husband. I haven't had much dating experience...okay, actually pretty much one and that was with the guy I dated last year and that was for 3 months, long distance and he only wanted sex, ultimately.

I think I really have an issue with my self-esteem. I know God made me the way I am and that He loves and treasures me and thinks I'm beautiful but God is not the men that go to my college or the men who I can randomly meet on the street. And it's hard for me to believe that the men in the church are any different. They should be different...they shouldn't care about looks or the size breasts you have and they should be more willing to get to know you, how God created you as a woman but my experiences have left me sadly frustrated. So, I'm left wondering how a man could like me when he's only seen a couple of pictures of me and has talked with me for a few years. Sitting here writing this it seems obvious...He must truly like you if he's stayed around this long and has kept pursuing you...even if that just means being online and willing to talk and not giving up on me.

I guess I write all of this just to try to get my emotions and feelings worked out. Try to make some sense of all of this. And he ended up calling me...just if you're wondering. Today, actually. It felt good.

Blessings.