It's been a good day. Well...besides waking up at like 7 in the morning super hot! And, of course I couldn't fall back asleep. For some reason I just haven't been sleeping very well lately. At first I thought it was because of my client and me having to call 911, and then I was thinking it was because I had all this stuff on my mind about Mark and my mom but that seems to be wrapping up quite nicely, meaning that at least my mom has told me that I have her okay to leave if God so wills and that she's not completely and utterly against Mark and I. So, I guess I'm either still thinking about it and sub-consciously worried about it or because of my work schedule lately and having to be up early I've just gotten myself into that custom of getting up early and my body doesn't know the difference between the weekends and work days.
But, anyways the day was good despite that. In the morning I did some cleaning in my room. I'm still trying to simplify my stuff but it's still hard when my mom gives me a hard time about giving anything away and especially when I say stuff like wanting a truck to come in and pick up all my stuff and take it away. But I was still able to get a little bit done.
Tangent moment: Lately I've really been wanting a new dress..nothing fancy just a fun summer dress. And yesterday when Rosie and I went to the mall I found a really cute one, that was 50% off...but that still left it at almost $30 so I talked myself out of buying it. But I was going through my closet trying to get rid of clothes I never wear and found a jean dress and was trying it out and made mention that I really wanted some cute dress up shoes...
So, my mom and I ended up going to Payless and I got a super cute pair of heels and a pair of tennis shoes. I'm not much of a heels girl, they make me nervous to walk on and I'm already so tall that I don't need them...but I guess you'd call them a "wedge" and I walked around a little bit in them and didn't fall, so that's a plus :)
Then my mom had her shift in my church's firework's booth at 12 so we hung out there with my pastor. It was soo much fun. I love my pastor and he really loves me too. We just make each other crack up. We pretty much spent the whole time just making jokes and then talking about really great topics like the church and God's plan for the church. And then Mark called me while I was there so I got to talk to him for a few minutes. Then my mom and I ended up coming home and having more enchiladas and watching So you think you can dance all night.
And I got to talk to Mark again so it was just a great day. I think tomorrow will be great too...church, family sunday which means lunch at church after services, hang out with Rosie at the fireworks booth and then mexican food for dinner! YES.
Oh yeah, and I have to jot down this memory because I don't want to forget it. I really want to be able to shake my butt like those crazy hip hop girls can do. So, my mom and I were talking about it when we showed up at the booth and I ended up asking PC (Pastor Chuck) if he could do it and I don't know if he or I started it but the rest of the day we joked about my "booty shake"skills and he confessed to being called "white chocolate" in highschool and I said that made me Almond. You probably had to be there to think it was hilarious but just trust me, it was. Good times
Blessings.
- a great day...
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beth0329- June 28th, 2008
- God reveals some things to my mom...
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- beth0329
- June 28th, 2008
I'm finally in Modesto again. It feels like I haven't been home for any length of real time in awhile. I just got home from hanging out with Rosie which was really good. I think we both needed it. We went to the mall to do some shopping for Rosie...I almost bought me a dress but talked myself out of it. I really don't have the money to just go buy a dress and I don't really need it. And then, of course we ended up at Dennys :)
But the really exciting thing that has happened since I've been home is a conversation I had with my mom. We were in the kitchen making enchiladas and somehow Mark is brought up and she says we need to talk about it. So, thankfully I busied myself with making the enchilidas while she talked because I was thinking she was going to try to tell me that this relationship couldn't work and I couldn't run off to Georgia, etc. But instead the first thing she tells me is that if God leads me to move to Georgia then she's okay with that. She said of course she'd miss me like crazy but that I needed to know that she'd be okay with that. That was seriously a God thing because that's the one thing I really needed to hear her say...that she was okay with me leaving. But of course from there she went on to remind me to be careful and that I really needed to understand what I'm getting myself into if I give my heart to this guy. I really think she's worried about the fact that he's so much older than me because of experiences that I haven't went through but that he has.The other day I was talking to my dad and he had talked to my mom the day before so he told me that he had to have this walk with me or my mom would shoot him...so he told me a lot of the same things, about being careful and knowing what I'm getting myself into, he even mentioned the fact that we need to talk about children and whether he wants more, since he already has 2 (I didn't mention the fact that I know for sure that he wants more...but it's me who's unsure).
But yea, anyways I was just really glad my mom kinda gave me her "blessing" of sorts to leave the nest without feeling like she'd be mad or disappointed. And I just tried to remind her that Mark and I aren't planning a wedding....for now :)
- Co...what?!
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- beth0329
- June 24th, 2008
Lots to talk about, of course. I am trying to make a commitment to writing on here at least twice a week and now with my new work schedule that might work...or I'll be too tired to actually sit down and write stuff down. My new client, David needs 24 hour care so I'll be there Wed. morning through Sun. morning. It's actually kind of exhausting being there for so long. I started on Sun. (3 days ago) and was there from about 10 in the morning till Mon. morning around 11 but because of the schedule I want, my office had the other guy come in and he'll be there till Wed. morning when I go back. I'll leave all the details out right now about David, maybe I'll tell you more next Monday.
I had the oddest/scariest dream on Friday night, I think. My house had been burglarized, which isn't really any big deal because I don't live in a neighborhood where burglary doesn't happen too often. But then I was driving home from a night client and I drive past this ominous looking car and they've written something to extent that they want to hurt ME, personally and I get this horrible feeling that they're the ones who stole from my house and they're coming back to hurt me. And then I got home and was in hysterics and all these folks are at my house trying to help Daniel and Amy clean up and make it look like a real house again. It was just soo real-feeling. I hate those. I woke up several times that morning, just trying to convince myself that it wasn't real. Weird.
Once again, I've saved this as a draft and am now beginning it again. So, I started this entry this morning before my day even began...and now that it's 11.04pm I can say that it has been a very very emotional day!
The beginning was really great. I got to sleep in till about 9.30 or so and then got to watch some TV with Amy. Then I got to have lunch with Joyce (my first client, Helen's daughter) at the Cheesecake Factory. It was GREAT conversation. We seriously talked about anything and everything. So here's the perfect time for my segue way...
Last night Mark and I were talking and he was mentioning the fact that he always dates women who are codependent and then he told me about how he found out about what codependency is and then said that I should look it up, online. So, naturally I asked if he thought I was codependent (not really exactly sure of what it was myself) and he said that he didn't say that and he wanted me to look it up and then email him my thoughts. I didn't end up getting to look it up till almost midnight and then emailed him that if I ever went to a therapist she'd probably say I'm codependent. If you'd like, y'all can look it up but here's a small paragraph to read if you're interested;( Codependency )I don't really want to type out every single conversation I had today about this but I'm really starting to realize that I see my mom as this person to take care of, just as my mom saw her mom as that, and my grandma saw her parents as that. It's just this generational cycle of un-fulfilled lives. And most likely if you're reading this and really care anything about me or have any ties to me then I've already talked to you about this, but this is just me wanting to document my self-realizations. So, we'll see what happens. Once I have another day to think about it all then I'll write some more.
I'm really tired now and work is tomorrow. So, no more updates till Sunday probably. Oh yea, and God is amazing. I seriously cried a lot today and by the time I was almost home and all cried out Rosie calls me and was just an amazing listener and encourager. So, thank you Jesus for your perfect timing!
Blessings
- random tired thoughts
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- beth0329
- May 11th, 2008
Man, I don't know what i'm doing up at almost 2 but I just really want to write. So, excuse this late night typing fest.
I went on a late night bike ride on Thursday. It was soo good. I brought my MP3 player and it was cold! I didn't realize it'd be so cold so all I had on was a t-shirt, shorts and tennis shoes. But once I started riding I just rode faster to work myself harder. I rode for about an hour listening to Derek Webb. Bike riding is such a great way to just blow off some steam, have time to think and just enjoy nature. Beautiful.
I woke up this morning with my back aching. I hate it that I'm 22 and I can say that I have back pain. Ridiculous. But, alas I do. Right now I have a cold compress on my lower back. I ended up falling asleep on the couch last night so I hope that is the cause of it but we'll see if I'm feeling better in the morning after I sleep in my bed. I sure hope so.
Last weekend we had InterVarsity's first ever gala. It was a black tie affair so everyone was all dressed up. I ended up wearing my "little black dress." A few people commented on me looking good...but I say it's just because they don't see me dress up very often, especially with a dress, hair all done and make up on...all at the same time. Unfortunately, I left the thingie that I use to import my pictures from my camera onto my computer up north so once I get it back then I'll post pictures from the night. Who can say a night dancing the Macarena, isn't fun?!
Last weekend was also my church in Modesto's associational meeting. It went alright but the highlight for me was Saturday during lunch. I sat by one of the elders of our sister church. His name is Roger and my mom has known him since she was in her 20s. They played volleyball together on a church team. He's in his early 50s I believe. He used to call me sis all the time and once I asked my mom why he didn't call me Bethany and she said it was because he couldn't remember my name. Anyways, in the past few years he's been having heart problems and actually had bypass surgery, but I got to hear his full testimony that afternoon and it was just soo good. And I realized how good it is for the person who's telling you something. Both people get soo much out of actually sitting down and really talking and caring about what each other are saying. I can't even remember all the details of the testimony and really, it doesn't matter. It was just really good when we stood up and I thanked him for sharing all that with me and he said, "no, thank you for caring enough to listen." And, of course the big hug helped :)
My brothers birthday is coming up. And I mean my 15 year old brother, Josh. I decided on buying a card and sending it to him. Do you realize how hard it is to find a birthday card for a brother who you've never met and who probably doesn't even consider you a sister? I really want him to know how much I care about him and want a real relationship with him but I also keep reminding myself that he's a 15 year old guy. I never settled on a card. I'm thinking about just making one myself. Maybe that'll even mean more to him. I just wish I knew him better...Dang, I wish I could just meet him...and my dad. In July, the day after father's day it'll be a year since my dad and I have started talking...and we still haven't met... and that's by no fault of my own! I want to meet him. I'd go into debt to get to see him. I still don't understand why he hasn't tried harder...and I know if I brought it up he'd have "good" excuses. It just hurts.
Alright, I seriously need to get to bed.
Blessings.
- Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. - What would you think now?
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- beth0329
- April 4th, 2008
Today is the 40th anniversary of Dr. King's death. Doesn't seem like it's been that long ago that he stood up in front of America and told them his dream. I'm just curious as to what he would think of America now, 40 years later and his children and hundreds of other black people (and other non-white people) are still judged by the color of their skin, instead of the content of their character. Of course, we've made some improvements. Black people can sit where ever they want on the bus and we all share the same water fountain and restuarants, at least here in California but is that really all Dr. King wanted? I sure hope not.
With all this hub-bub about Barack Ohama's pastor, Rev. Wright, I've been thinking a lot about America and God. Last weekend while I was up north I had a shocking revelation, of sorts. My old pastor, Nick is an ex-air force guy and has been a pastor for a really long time. He's really intense about politics, in a bad way, so that when you bring up anything politics-related and you don't necessarily agree completely with him he'll make you feel really bad about it and it always seems as if he can somehow say it to make you wonder if that's the way Jesus believed too. I remember 4 years ago as I was getting ready to leave for college, he would continually remind me not to let those "liberals" change my views and morals. "You stay strong!" ...So, Jesus is a republican then, huh? God help us if he is!
Anyways, on Saturday night after my birthday party a couple of people came over to our house to visit. It was me, my mom, Nick and Sue, Paul and Shelley and our friends Dwight and Nancy. My mom and her big mouth looks over to me while everyone is talking and says, (while everyone gets quiet) "Hey you know how you're not really in favor of the war because all those innocent people are dying? well, did you know that I'm reading that a war that Joshua was in that God allowed hundreds of innocent people to die." Or somethin like that. And, right away Nick jumps on it and goes, "Yea, God said that they'd all die like that." And I just said, "Obviously, God had a plan in that." And it just got worse from there. During most of it I stayed very quiet and tried to will God to snap his fingers and take me out of the room. But because I was busy doing that I can't really remember everything that was said. But at one point Nick looked at me and said something to the extent that Sadam Hussein killed a lot of people and we had to react to that and all I could say was, "Well, he deserves the same grace that you and I received." I don't know if Nick was shocked or appalled or what but he goes, "Well, you know I've said it before...it's a good thing I'm not God." and I almost can't believe I said it but I go, "Good thing!" And then, this is the real kicker...he goes on to talk about Manifest Destiny! (the belief common in America in the early 1800s that it was the destiny or fate of the US to expand west to the Pacific Ocean. For many Americans, the belief had an almost religious intensity, and was often considered an obvious part of God’s plan for America’s future). And how, didn't I know that God gave us this great country!? blah, blah, BLAH! I almost cried, right there on the spot! I just kept praying that he was kidding...right? A follower of Jesus who believes that God gave us this "amazing" country so we could use all of HIS (GOD'S) money for our consumerist ideals and attack other countries to kill their people?!?
So, I've been CNN.COM the last couple of days about Dr. King and all the stuff that's going on, comparing him to Rev. Wright and all that jazz and I found an interesting quote pertaining to the Vietnam war that really resounds in my heart right now about America and the "war on terrorism," "God didn't call America to engage in a senseless, unjust war. And we are criminals in that war. We've committed more war crimes almost than any nation in the world, and I'm going to continue to say it." And that was over 40 years ago!
Dr. King; I apologize that your dream hasn't completely become a reality but thank you! Thank you so much for pursuing your dream and not giving up! Praise be to God for our strides and please forgive us!
- Evangelism?
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- beth0329
- March 13th, 2008
My friend Roxie leads bible study in our dorm on Wednesday nights but this week was a little different. As we have bible study and then prayer, there's also a couple of guys from IV (one is our staff and the other is our worship leader) walk around the dorms just starting up conversations with students. It's gone really well (like, some guy accepted Jesus into his heart, good) but no one in our fellowship has joined them in their enthusiasm. So Brian (the worship leader) called Roxie Wed. afternoon and told her that he felt it on his heart that he needed to lead bible study and asked if that'd be okay and of course, she said okay but felt really weird about it.
So, here's what we discussed and some of my thoughts on it. I'm still really struggling with it and would appreciate prayers and advice...
Matthew 28.18-20
Jesus came and told his disciples, "I have been given all authority in heaven and on earth. Therefore, go and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you. And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.
So pretty much Brian just asked some observation and interpretation questions to get to the core of this passage pertaining to our theme this semester, "Get Real, not religious." And we pretty much came to the conclusion that Jesus has all authority and because of that he gives us that authority and tells us to 1. Go and 2. make disciples.
To be real and to truly apply the scripture to our lives we decided our "nation" is campus and we should be going out onto the campus and being light, engaging students in conversations and showing them the way and then teaching them all the commands and that we should do this till the "end of the age."
Now, all of this sounds great and I completely agree. I'm not disagreeing with the Great Commission but Brian implied and then challenged us at the end of bible study to consider walking around the dorms with him and TJ, engaging the dorm students in spiritual conversations. A part of me really REALLY wants to do this and feels bad that I am scared to death of doing it but then another part of me says what my friend Roxie says, I'm wired to connect and relate to people on a relationship level. We're both really good at welcoming people in and making really strong discipleship relationships with them. So, is that just a good excuse? Or does God really wire each of us different and expects some people to do evangelism different? Or is there some middle ground between the two??
I'm really hoping that while I'm in Catalina next week that I'll really hear what God has to say about all these questions I have.
Blessings!
- wasting time...
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- beth0329
- February 21st, 2008
I just got done with my speech test this morning but I have another class in about 30 minutes so I thought I'd get onto a computer and try to use up the time.
I'm tired. I don't think I was asleep last night till almost 2. My friend and I were talking about how back in the day I would seriously stay up till 3 or 4 in the morning and then wake up by 9. There's no way I could do that now. Or I probably could but it wouldn't last very long, definitely not a whole semester. It's weird, I don't want to admit it but perhaps I'm *whispers* getting old.
I am getting excited about the meeting tonight. I was praying this morning and I asked God that if he really doesn't want me to become involved in this church then I'd really appreciate it if he gave me a clear sign. If I decide to do it it's going to be a big deal. It would mean that I couldn't go home every weekend, which would really upset some people back home like my very good friend Rosie who I spend a lot of time with over the weekends and then, of course my mom would be sad. But I know that if God really wants me to do this then it'll all work out. I just want his will done. But, other than that I'm just excited to be able to go over and meet with them. Like I mentioned in my last blog, last semester I met with Sam (he's the pastor) at the end of the semester to give him the rest of the money I had earned as a sort of Christmas gift and we ended up spending 2 hours talking at Starbucks- about inner city ministry, the church, money, everything. It was soo good. So, I know the conversation tonight will be just as great! Yay for amazing convos.
But until then I still have another 2 classes and I need to get some homework done!
I think I'm going to use up the rest of my time to read up on the news. Have a great day everybody!!
Blessings,
Beth
- Lilies of the field; they don't labor nor spin.
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- beth0329
- February 20th, 2008
So, I shouldn't be writing right now. I should be studying for a speech test that's at 8 in the morning. But, obviously I'm not doing that and I am writing.
Tonight was interesting. I had a rather interesting conversation with a couple people earlier in the afternoon and then thankfully I had dinner with Candy and was able to vent a little, you know sometimes you just need an ear that'll listen and not really put in their advice or "wisdom" and somehow best friends just know when they should listen and when they should talk. But then at 6.30 we had bible study tonight in the dorms. I come out to the lobby where we meet and there's just Chris. So I sit down and we start talkin about whatever and a few minutes later Alberto shows up and finally Roxie (who leads the bible study) calls me and asks where I'm at and says that I need to come to Cat's room and if anyone else is there they should come too. Cat is a good friend of ours who lives down the hall from both Roxie and I. She's really sweet and she and I have really gotten to be good friends. We work out twice a week together and whenever I go to her room she gives me Capri Suns! :)
But, anyways we go to her room and even before I get there I can hear her crying and now I'm worried. A little background information; Cat wants to be a sign langauge interpreter. She went to a junior college for a couple of years or so before coming here. She's dyslexic so she is able to have some more time on tests and she has to be really organized and she has to study alot. But she realizes all this stuff about herself so she's really on top of things. Anyways, she failed a class last semester so they put her on academic probation so she has to get a 2.0 GPA or higher to not be kicked out of school.
Fast forward back to the present. She has to re-take the class she failed and she's still not doing well. She had a test today and she literally studied all day yesterday (up till 3 and that's why she didn't come to the gym) and she had studied all day before the test. I felt so bad for her. I just wanted to tell her it doesn't matter and that all that was important is the awesome relationships she had made and how much we loved her. But I know that she really will be kicked out of school if she can't keep her grades up and she might be able to stay for the rest of this semester but she definitely wouldn't be able to come back next semester so we prayed over her and had her come to bible study with us. The study was seriously made for her. It was Matt. 6.25-34, all about worry and how if God takes care of the lily of the valley and feeds the birds of the air and since you're so much more valuable then even them, how much more will he take care of you. I really hope she got something out of it.
She left after bible study and we had our prayer meeting so after that was done Roxie and I went to her room to check on her. She seemed to be a bit more cheerful after talking with her folks but she was hungry so we took a run to taco bell. That place always brightens a bleak day :)
But prayer would be appreciated for her!
And now I'm just waiting till tomorrow night. I'll be meeting with a pastor and his family for dinner! I did an urban plunge with his church and got to meet with him when last semester ended to give him the rest of the money I earned for the trip but didn't use and he invited me to begin praying about perhaps joining in the ministry at their new church. So, I'm super excited!!
